I did it! I accomplished my goal of writing 40 essays a day for the 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday. From December 5, 2007 to January 13, 2008, I wrote one essay a day on what I know for sure. See the list on the bottom right of this blog for the complete list of essays.
It was refreshing, enlightening and left me feeling exuberant. That's what happens when you do something you love.
How about 40 more?
The concentration required to focus on something intently for forty days was more rewarding than I could have predicted. So I felt challenged to keep doing more.
The day after my birthday I started forty days of no refined sugar. The sneaky sugar fairy has set up shop in my pantry and I was finding it increasingly difficult to tame the pesky beast. I decided to kill it instead. I am hoping that 40 days without cookies, pastries, sugary yogurts and fruices will cleanse my pallet, reorient my tastebuds, enliven my skin, and whittle down a few pounds. Seven days to go and this has been a rewarding and worthwhile test.
Next up? Not sure. The sugar ban will expire on February 24 and it will be time to start something new. I want to do something externally focused this time - for someone's benefit other than my own.
What about a 40-day plastic bag fast? I could refuse plastic bags at the grocery store, pharmacy, and department store to carry my purchases choosing my own reusable bags instead. I think I should recruit friends and neighbors to do this with me - for one day, one week or for the entire forty days. If we use a plastic bag, we could make a small donation to a fund that could be the beginning of a microloan for a needy entrepreneur in Asia or Africa or as a contribution to GreenPeace USA.
Stay tuned.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
40. Be open to life.
40. 40. 40. I made it. This is my last post, which means tomorrow is my 40th birthday. YEAH!
Despite this list of what feels like a zillion things I claim to know for sure, thankfully, most of life is a beautiful mystery. A wonderful, unpredictable, zany mystery. And I want to be open to all that life has to offer. I want to embrace the unknown with hopeful anticipation, and great expectations.
I like new challenges, new places and new faces. I am energized by getting outside my comfort zone, by learning something new, heading for left field.
That hasn't always been the case. As a young person, I was often fearful of exciting paths that unfolded in front of me. I loved my French classes but I abandoned that college major because I was too scared to live in France for a year to master the language. I relished acting as a teenager but rejected that career because I couldn't envision a life with eccentrics behind the stage. I wouldn't change any of those choices for the world, but I see how fear played into my decisions.
There are some gifts of aging - tons of them actually. And this is one of my favorites. I am no longer fearful of the unknown (well most of it anyway.) I am open to where ever this life takes me!
Despite this list of what feels like a zillion things I claim to know for sure, thankfully, most of life is a beautiful mystery. A wonderful, unpredictable, zany mystery. And I want to be open to all that life has to offer. I want to embrace the unknown with hopeful anticipation, and great expectations.
I like new challenges, new places and new faces. I am energized by getting outside my comfort zone, by learning something new, heading for left field.
That hasn't always been the case. As a young person, I was often fearful of exciting paths that unfolded in front of me. I loved my French classes but I abandoned that college major because I was too scared to live in France for a year to master the language. I relished acting as a teenager but rejected that career because I couldn't envision a life with eccentrics behind the stage. I wouldn't change any of those choices for the world, but I see how fear played into my decisions.
There are some gifts of aging - tons of them actually. And this is one of my favorites. I am no longer fearful of the unknown (well most of it anyway.) I am open to where ever this life takes me!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
39. Everyone has a story.
(aka - Don't judge a book by it's cover.)
"Everyone has a story." I didn't invent this phrase. Did Oprah? I've heard her say it a thousand times. This may be ridiculously redundant with #38 (about not judging others) but I think it's so fundamental to my view of life that it bears repeating.
I try to walk through this life without making assumptions and judgments about people based on first impressions and outward appearances. I try to remind myself that the real heart of a person is rarely evident at first glance. I can't know anything about someone from casual interaction... a life is too large and intricate and complex.
I've been practicing this principle for as long as I can remember and it's still hard. I still find myself making quick assumptions about people. But as I age, I am getting better about realizing my quick assumptions and quickly pulling way back - to remind myself that I know nothing about someone until I get to know them.
Tonight I ran to the grocery store to pick up milk and bread (what household with kids can go even one day without bread and milk?) I walked up to the express line behind two other customers. I smelled something acrid and realized it was the body odor of the man in front of me. He smelled like he was wearing urine soaked clothes. I observed the back of him and noticed his tattered clothes, drooping shoulders and greasy hair.
Instead of being repulsed, I felt compassion. I told myself that he has a story and I know nothing about him other than he seems to be in a bad spot at this moment. But even that is an assumption. I wondered if he has people in his life that love him. I wondered if he ever served our country in the armed forces. I thought of the people I love with mental health illness and how people may condemn them when they aren't feeling tip top.
I have an acquaintance named The Scary Guy. He is one of the few guys you will ever see who is tattooed and pierced all over his body including most of his face. He makes a BIG impression when we are out together. He is the kind of guy everyone makes assumptions about - he's a wrestler, a biker, a druggie, a weirdo. He's none of those things. Scary is gentle, thoughtful, smart and he is a motivational speaker trying to stamp out prejudice and hate. He drives a minivan.
My husband is really good about not making snap judgments about people - a quality that drew me to him. I hope we can pass this on to our kiddos.
"Everyone has a story." I didn't invent this phrase. Did Oprah? I've heard her say it a thousand times. This may be ridiculously redundant with #38 (about not judging others) but I think it's so fundamental to my view of life that it bears repeating.
I try to walk through this life without making assumptions and judgments about people based on first impressions and outward appearances. I try to remind myself that the real heart of a person is rarely evident at first glance. I can't know anything about someone from casual interaction... a life is too large and intricate and complex.
I've been practicing this principle for as long as I can remember and it's still hard. I still find myself making quick assumptions about people. But as I age, I am getting better about realizing my quick assumptions and quickly pulling way back - to remind myself that I know nothing about someone until I get to know them.
Tonight I ran to the grocery store to pick up milk and bread (what household with kids can go even one day without bread and milk?) I walked up to the express line behind two other customers. I smelled something acrid and realized it was the body odor of the man in front of me. He smelled like he was wearing urine soaked clothes. I observed the back of him and noticed his tattered clothes, drooping shoulders and greasy hair.
Instead of being repulsed, I felt compassion. I told myself that he has a story and I know nothing about him other than he seems to be in a bad spot at this moment. But even that is an assumption. I wondered if he has people in his life that love him. I wondered if he ever served our country in the armed forces. I thought of the people I love with mental health illness and how people may condemn them when they aren't feeling tip top.
I have an acquaintance named The Scary Guy. He is one of the few guys you will ever see who is tattooed and pierced all over his body including most of his face. He makes a BIG impression when we are out together. He is the kind of guy everyone makes assumptions about - he's a wrestler, a biker, a druggie, a weirdo. He's none of those things. Scary is gentle, thoughtful, smart and he is a motivational speaker trying to stamp out prejudice and hate. He drives a minivan.
My husband is really good about not making snap judgments about people - a quality that drew me to him. I hope we can pass this on to our kiddos.
Friday, January 11, 2008
38. It's not my place to judge
My creativity is waning. The words are not flowing. But the end is sight! Will my kids ever read any of these? I have them in mind as I type away but what are the chances any of these words will be around when they are old enough to care?
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
-Rumi
I believe it is not my place to judge others. Who among us is pure and without fault? Who among us has a perfected character and saint-like virtues? Not me. We are all sinners (as the Christians like to say). I think none of us has earned a position to pass judgment on others.
My job is to deepen my own soulful qualities. If I throw stones at others for their imperfections, I become distracted from my own journey. It is sometimes easier to criticize others for their mistakes and imperfections than to examine ourselves for our weaknesses and foibles.
I may not like what someone has done, I may choose to distance myself from someone that I disagree with. It's okay to draw boundaries and protect myself. But it is not my job to condemn and pass judgment.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
-Rumi
I believe it is not my place to judge others. Who among us is pure and without fault? Who among us has a perfected character and saint-like virtues? Not me. We are all sinners (as the Christians like to say). I think none of us has earned a position to pass judgment on others.
My job is to deepen my own soulful qualities. If I throw stones at others for their imperfections, I become distracted from my own journey. It is sometimes easier to criticize others for their mistakes and imperfections than to examine ourselves for our weaknesses and foibles.
I may not like what someone has done, I may choose to distance myself from someone that I disagree with. It's okay to draw boundaries and protect myself. But it is not my job to condemn and pass judgment.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
37. Recognize what you cannot control
Do you know the Serenity Prayer?
How often do we fret about things we have no control over, over things we cannot change? Too much of our energy and spirit are wasted away on the things we have no influence over instead of the things we can actually influence.
My mom's health has seriously diminished in the last few years. Every aspect of her life has been affected including the kind of grandparent she can be. Sometimes I feel so terribly sad because it feels like a real loss, something I mourn, which is okay I guess because those emotions are part of life. But I can't spend too much time wishing for something different because I know I cannot change things. Instead I focus on what I can influence, which is my relationship with her. I can change my reaction, the way I help her, and my mindset...and that's it. I can't heal her.
Another example is today. My child was bullied (attacked) on the bus by some older kids. One kid held his arms while the other one punched him. He came off the bus in tears. I cannot change the fact that kids sometimes pick on the little ones - no use wishing that wasn't the case. But I can demand action from the bus company and the school to make sure it is investigated and dealt with and not shrugged off. I can learn about the procedures and rules on the bus set up to prevent this kind of harassment. I can reinforce to my child that he has the right to kick and scream and yell if someone is hurting him. And I can decide if I want to remove him from the bus completely but I don't feel the school has addressed the situation appropriately. But I cannot change the nature of children.
Hopefully in this situation, like so many others I face on a daily basis, I will be more effective because I will focus my energy on the things I can change or influence, and I will avoid spinning my wheels on what I cannot.
God, please give me wisdom.
God, give me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
How often do we fret about things we have no control over, over things we cannot change? Too much of our energy and spirit are wasted away on the things we have no influence over instead of the things we can actually influence.
My mom's health has seriously diminished in the last few years. Every aspect of her life has been affected including the kind of grandparent she can be. Sometimes I feel so terribly sad because it feels like a real loss, something I mourn, which is okay I guess because those emotions are part of life. But I can't spend too much time wishing for something different because I know I cannot change things. Instead I focus on what I can influence, which is my relationship with her. I can change my reaction, the way I help her, and my mindset...and that's it. I can't heal her.
Another example is today. My child was bullied (attacked) on the bus by some older kids. One kid held his arms while the other one punched him. He came off the bus in tears. I cannot change the fact that kids sometimes pick on the little ones - no use wishing that wasn't the case. But I can demand action from the bus company and the school to make sure it is investigated and dealt with and not shrugged off. I can learn about the procedures and rules on the bus set up to prevent this kind of harassment. I can reinforce to my child that he has the right to kick and scream and yell if someone is hurting him. And I can decide if I want to remove him from the bus completely but I don't feel the school has addressed the situation appropriately. But I cannot change the nature of children.
Hopefully in this situation, like so many others I face on a daily basis, I will be more effective because I will focus my energy on the things I can change or influence, and I will avoid spinning my wheels on what I cannot.
God, please give me wisdom.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
36. It's not about you!
It's back to a book that shook me up in a good way - The Four Agreements. (See my #13.) The second agreement is "don't take anything personally."
The power of this idea struck me as I read the chapter, but it floored me once I started putting it into practice. It's an uplifting and liberating mindset - impossible to master, but worth practicing for a lifetime.
It's not about you!
All the things people say and do to you have nothing to do with you. It's their stuff. It's about them - their frame of mind, their backgrounds, moods, neurosis, shortcoming, strengths. It's not about you. So when a friend, relative or loved one says something that hurts you, you have to understand that it was his or her choice to say it based on how that person sees the world, not based on what you've done. That person is projecting his or her reality onto you.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't examine our own actions to help improve our situations. But realizing that people are projecting their realities onto us, we become better protected from needless anxiety and suffering about what people think about us.
The power of this idea struck me as I read the chapter, but it floored me once I started putting it into practice. It's an uplifting and liberating mindset - impossible to master, but worth practicing for a lifetime.
It's not about you!
All the things people say and do to you have nothing to do with you. It's their stuff. It's about them - their frame of mind, their backgrounds, moods, neurosis, shortcoming, strengths. It's not about you. So when a friend, relative or loved one says something that hurts you, you have to understand that it was his or her choice to say it based on how that person sees the world, not based on what you've done. That person is projecting his or her reality onto you.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't examine our own actions to help improve our situations. But realizing that people are projecting their realities onto us, we become better protected from needless anxiety and suffering about what people think about us.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
35. I need my friends like I need oxygen
I can't imagine my life without close friendships. The women in my life - those close by in KC and the ones from all phases of my life that live in the four corners of the country - add richness and sanity to my life. My marriage is great, my kids are life affirming, but they are not the complete equation. I need my friends too.
I've been without friends before - in a way. And, I was sourly miserable. When we moved to KC in 2005, we spent 3 months in temporary housing with no contacts in this city, no routines to introduce me to familiar faces and families. I was busy enough exploring our new hometown and shopping for a residence, but I was dangling and untethered.
It was one of the hardest times in my life with no immediate friends to turn to, to laugh with, to learn from. My soul sisters from Colorado and Texas were there for me over the wire to keep me afloat. Thank God. But I was still lonely. And miraculously, wonderful women started populating my Midwest life.
Ladies are hard wired, I certainly am, to share insights, pain and everyday antics with each other. The men in our life are fab but let's face it they don't really want to rehash, revisit, and talk it out like women do.
I'd can't imagine my life without my friends. I never want to take any of them for granted.
I've been without friends before - in a way. And, I was sourly miserable. When we moved to KC in 2005, we spent 3 months in temporary housing with no contacts in this city, no routines to introduce me to familiar faces and families. I was busy enough exploring our new hometown and shopping for a residence, but I was dangling and untethered.
It was one of the hardest times in my life with no immediate friends to turn to, to laugh with, to learn from. My soul sisters from Colorado and Texas were there for me over the wire to keep me afloat. Thank God. But I was still lonely. And miraculously, wonderful women started populating my Midwest life.
Ladies are hard wired, I certainly am, to share insights, pain and everyday antics with each other. The men in our life are fab but let's face it they don't really want to rehash, revisit, and talk it out like women do.
I'd can't imagine my life without my friends. I never want to take any of them for granted.
Monday, January 7, 2008
34. You teach people how to treat you.
Another one from Dr. Phil. This is such a simple statement but it says so much.
By the things we allow, request, ignore, and stand up for, we are showing people how we will allow them to treat us. What we tolerate from others sends a clear message.
Marriage is different. You can't just break up. Instead, I think people should be their true self when dating, show their partners how they want to be treated, so that they decide to get married based on a real information not a fairy tale.
By the things we allow, request, ignore, and stand up for, we are showing people how we will allow them to treat us. What we tolerate from others sends a clear message.
- If we let people walk all over us, we teach them that we will lay down and take it.
- If we let loved ones ridicule us without standing up for ourselves, we teach people that we will take their verbal punishment.
- If we are too uncomfortable to say what we really feel, we teach people that we won't stand up for ourselves.
Marriage is different. You can't just break up. Instead, I think people should be their true self when dating, show their partners how they want to be treated, so that they decide to get married based on a real information not a fairy tale.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
33. Dating is really just an experiment.
This is kind of like a dating manifesto. And pathetic one probably, because I was a lousy dater.
I can admit it; my instincts were piss poor. I couldn't tell if a guy really liked me or was leading me on. I couldn't attract the types of guys I wanted in my life. A few bums walked all over me. And, I hung on for dear life even when some fellas acted like scoundrels.
But, I did learn some great lessons along the way. I feel absolutely certain that I learned what I needed to learn. It all helped prepare me so I was ready when my Mr. Wonderful skied into my life.
Here are some things that I believe looking back on it all.
1. Dating is just an experiment. I think one key to success in a serious commitment (like marriage) is finding someone who loves and accepts you for your true and authentic self. One way to learn who you really are is to try things on for size. Looking back on dating in my 20's, I dated lots of kinds of people which helped me hone in one what felt comfortable and right to me. Being with the party guy, the stale toast type, and the criminal was a way to try on different lifestyles.
2. Hanging out in groups makes a lot of sense in high school. I had a comfort level with my friends around, and I could see how the apple of my eye acted in a group situation. Often very telling. One-on-one dating was too overwhelming at times, being immature and confused about my identity. Also too tempting. With hormones raging, lots of craziness could ensue in private situations.
3. I wonder if early, long-term relationships stunt your growth. I never had a serious, long term relationship in high school. But I knew people of did - people who dated for 2, 3 even 5 years as teenagers. Some of those relationships were probably fabulous and some may have turned into great marriages. But I suspect that it's not such a good idea on the whole. I think the tender young heart isn't yet ready for that kind of powerful commitment. Chances are, it won't turn into marriage and the breakup can be too devastating. Kids should be casually dating, learning how the world works, hanging with friends, not tied down.
4. Draw the line. In advance. I've heard many women say this and it helped me a lot. (This is one thing I did right.) Be clear about you are NOT willing to do physically in a relationship. They only way to do that is to decide in advance. In the heat of the moment, it all feels good and a head swimming in passion can't stop without some help. Knowing that clear line helps a lot!
5. Don't be desperate. Men (and boys) smell desperation like stink on skunk. I suspect something in the male DNA responds to the hunt. Do not throw yourself at them or be as accessible as a 24-hour laundromat. Fellas may hook up with the Desparadas for a while, but usually for just some fun and games, not for a real connection.
6. Mix in other hits from the countdown: #32 (be someone you love), #24 (don't give the milk away). Throw in my recent #34 (you teach people how to treat you.)
7. Keep your friends close. It probably isn't a good sign if you start to pull away from your true friends and family when you are with a guy or gal. You cannot lose yourself in a relationship because..well..because you lose yourself. Don't dive in so deep that you don't stay connected to the people who really love you. Let's face it, you are going to break up with lots of boyfriends/girlfriends in your lifetime. Guys and girls come and go. Your friends and family though should be a constant.
8. Don't act married when you're not. I went on family vacations with guys I dated, sent out Christmas cards with our happy-couple-faces plastered on them, did all kinds of things that people do when they have a serious commitment. It may have been as serious as twenty-something's get, but I see how it led to so much pain when we broke up. I acted married because I wanted to be married, but the guys didn't deserve that from me.
9. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I've used this principle in my private life ever since I learned about it in my work life. (I did tons of hiring in my HR career and the best way to evaluate someone's match for the job was to see how they had performed similar tasks successfully in the past.) Here's how it goes:
I can admit it; my instincts were piss poor. I couldn't tell if a guy really liked me or was leading me on. I couldn't attract the types of guys I wanted in my life. A few bums walked all over me. And, I hung on for dear life even when some fellas acted like scoundrels.
But, I did learn some great lessons along the way. I feel absolutely certain that I learned what I needed to learn. It all helped prepare me so I was ready when my Mr. Wonderful skied into my life.
Here are some things that I believe looking back on it all.
1. Dating is just an experiment. I think one key to success in a serious commitment (like marriage) is finding someone who loves and accepts you for your true and authentic self. One way to learn who you really are is to try things on for size. Looking back on dating in my 20's, I dated lots of kinds of people which helped me hone in one what felt comfortable and right to me. Being with the party guy, the stale toast type, and the criminal was a way to try on different lifestyles.
2. Hanging out in groups makes a lot of sense in high school. I had a comfort level with my friends around, and I could see how the apple of my eye acted in a group situation. Often very telling. One-on-one dating was too overwhelming at times, being immature and confused about my identity. Also too tempting. With hormones raging, lots of craziness could ensue in private situations.
3. I wonder if early, long-term relationships stunt your growth. I never had a serious, long term relationship in high school. But I knew people of did - people who dated for 2, 3 even 5 years as teenagers. Some of those relationships were probably fabulous and some may have turned into great marriages. But I suspect that it's not such a good idea on the whole. I think the tender young heart isn't yet ready for that kind of powerful commitment. Chances are, it won't turn into marriage and the breakup can be too devastating. Kids should be casually dating, learning how the world works, hanging with friends, not tied down.
4. Draw the line. In advance. I've heard many women say this and it helped me a lot. (This is one thing I did right.) Be clear about you are NOT willing to do physically in a relationship. They only way to do that is to decide in advance. In the heat of the moment, it all feels good and a head swimming in passion can't stop without some help. Knowing that clear line helps a lot!
5. Don't be desperate. Men (and boys) smell desperation like stink on skunk. I suspect something in the male DNA responds to the hunt. Do not throw yourself at them or be as accessible as a 24-hour laundromat. Fellas may hook up with the Desparadas for a while, but usually for just some fun and games, not for a real connection.
6. Mix in other hits from the countdown: #32 (be someone you love), #24 (don't give the milk away). Throw in my recent #34 (you teach people how to treat you.)
7. Keep your friends close. It probably isn't a good sign if you start to pull away from your true friends and family when you are with a guy or gal. You cannot lose yourself in a relationship because..well..because you lose yourself. Don't dive in so deep that you don't stay connected to the people who really love you. Let's face it, you are going to break up with lots of boyfriends/girlfriends in your lifetime. Guys and girls come and go. Your friends and family though should be a constant.
8. Don't act married when you're not. I went on family vacations with guys I dated, sent out Christmas cards with our happy-couple-faces plastered on them, did all kinds of things that people do when they have a serious commitment. It may have been as serious as twenty-something's get, but I see how it led to so much pain when we broke up. I acted married because I wanted to be married, but the guys didn't deserve that from me.
9. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I've used this principle in my private life ever since I learned about it in my work life. (I did tons of hiring in my HR career and the best way to evaluate someone's match for the job was to see how they had performed similar tasks successfully in the past.) Here's how it goes:
- If your girlfriend is bad with money, chances are she's going to be bad with money when you marry her.
- If a guy flirts a lot with other women, chances are he is going to keep doing it his entire life.
- If a girl can't keep a serious job, more than likely she is going to keep on that path.
I believe people can change (#21) but only with some big IF's, AND's and BUT's attached to that. For the most part, people show you who they will be by showing you who they are now.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
32. Be someone you love.
"To find someone you love,
You've gotta be someone you love."
(Song lyric courtesy of Nada Surf. Song - Concrete Bed. Album - Weight of Water, 2005)
I remember the tortured anguish of budding adolescense. I devoured teen mags, especially Seventeen, searching for advice on friendships and boys. Back then, the advice columns and articles were solid. (I hate to imagine what they spout these days.)
Their advice focused on being comfortable with yourself, loving the things that are unique and special about yourself, not molding yourself to make someone else happy. It was crazy good advice and next to impossible to follow as a teen. But that's where the journey started.
You've gotta be someone you love."
(Song lyric courtesy of Nada Surf. Song - Concrete Bed. Album - Weight of Water, 2005)
I remember the tortured anguish of budding adolescense. I devoured teen mags, especially Seventeen, searching for advice on friendships and boys. Back then, the advice columns and articles were solid. (I hate to imagine what they spout these days.)
Their advice focused on being comfortable with yourself, loving the things that are unique and special about yourself, not molding yourself to make someone else happy. It was crazy good advice and next to impossible to follow as a teen. But that's where the journey started.
I also remember being a gal in my twenties looking for love. When all else failed (and lots of things failed) I decided that I had to be happy without a guy. I had to live a life I loved and be happy with myself. And I found that when I was joyful and at peace inside, I attracted good things into my life.
How can you expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself first?
Along with this life lesson is the idea that you gotta know what you love.
Kristin Armstrong, former wife of biking legend and athlete extrordinaire Lance Armstrong, did some great interviews after her high profile divorce. Kristin explained that she allowed herself to get lost in her spouse's life and she forgot who she was. His life was so large and she thought a good wife should to bend to his every need. That didn't work. She ended up not being the woman he fell in love with and she was lost.
When the marriage was ending, she realized that his life was so consuming that she forgot the things that she loved purely on her own, her true nature, the things that were uniquely her. She had to reclaim those to find her way back to herself.
I think her experience is a great lesson for women in relationships - marriages, dating, whatever. We need to find a way to stay true to our own identies while adapting to the needs of our loved ones.
Friday, January 4, 2008
31. Ditch the silver platter.
And throw out the silver spoon.
(This might be redundant with #30 but that's how strongly I feel about hard work.)
I don't think it's my job as a parent to make everything easy for my kids. I think I would do my children a disservice if I gave them everything their hearts desired or even most of it.
When young people are indulged, they begin to develop a wicked sense of entitlement. Rabi Shmuley from Shalom in Home (love him) is one of many child development experts that says spoiling kids squelches their own sense of motivation. Their God given gift of drive atrophies. And, spoiling kids turns them into people who can never be satisfied. They always want more, what they have is never enough. You know the type.
People who don't have a lot of money to shower on their kids may have a leg up in this department. But what about all of us middle-class and upper-middle class parents who have resources to indulge our tots or at least enough money to make their lives extremely comfortable? Don't we all say we want to give our kids the things we didn't have growing up? (in my case would be a washer and dryer.)
Maybe that's not such a good idea.
Donald Trump could have ended up with some twisted kids with all their family riches. But the pompous Donald did some things right. His adult kids Ivanka and Don Jr. are hardworking, ambitious and charming. (Unlike other rich kids splashed across the front page - Paris.) The Donald made them work as teenagers and pay for their own indulgences. In a recent interview, Ivanka said she was given a $300 monthly allowance in college and whatever else she wanted, she had to earn. And she had to pay for her own million dollar penthouse in dad's Trump Tower - it wasn't just handed over to her.
The Trumps rolled out the red carpet when it came to their kids' travel and education - two elements the family considered fundamental for personal development and success. But in all other areas, the Trump kids were required to work for what they wanted or invest their own money wisely to get ahead.
Would I have had that kind of discipline as a wealthy parent?
My hubby and I will be wrangling over this topic as our kids mature. He and I see things slightly differently when it comes to providing for our kids. He had tons more money growing up than I did. What would have been unimaginable luxuries to me were everday pleasures for him.
We both want our kids to the know the value of a dollar, and we want them to have the drive to provide for themselves. We may not completely agree on how we get there, but I know for sure that making them work for what they want instead of dishing it out on a silver platter will be what I push for.
(This might be redundant with #30 but that's how strongly I feel about hard work.)
I don't think it's my job as a parent to make everything easy for my kids. I think I would do my children a disservice if I gave them everything their hearts desired or even most of it.
When young people are indulged, they begin to develop a wicked sense of entitlement. Rabi Shmuley from Shalom in Home (love him) is one of many child development experts that says spoiling kids squelches their own sense of motivation. Their God given gift of drive atrophies. And, spoiling kids turns them into people who can never be satisfied. They always want more, what they have is never enough. You know the type.
People who don't have a lot of money to shower on their kids may have a leg up in this department. But what about all of us middle-class and upper-middle class parents who have resources to indulge our tots or at least enough money to make their lives extremely comfortable? Don't we all say we want to give our kids the things we didn't have growing up? (in my case would be a washer and dryer.)
Maybe that's not such a good idea.
Donald Trump could have ended up with some twisted kids with all their family riches. But the pompous Donald did some things right. His adult kids Ivanka and Don Jr. are hardworking, ambitious and charming. (Unlike other rich kids splashed across the front page - Paris.) The Donald made them work as teenagers and pay for their own indulgences. In a recent interview, Ivanka said she was given a $300 monthly allowance in college and whatever else she wanted, she had to earn. And she had to pay for her own million dollar penthouse in dad's Trump Tower - it wasn't just handed over to her.
The Trumps rolled out the red carpet when it came to their kids' travel and education - two elements the family considered fundamental for personal development and success. But in all other areas, the Trump kids were required to work for what they wanted or invest their own money wisely to get ahead.
Would I have had that kind of discipline as a wealthy parent?
My hubby and I will be wrangling over this topic as our kids mature. He and I see things slightly differently when it comes to providing for our kids. He had tons more money growing up than I did. What would have been unimaginable luxuries to me were everday pleasures for him.
We both want our kids to the know the value of a dollar, and we want them to have the drive to provide for themselves. We may not completely agree on how we get there, but I know for sure that making them work for what they want instead of dishing it out on a silver platter will be what I push for.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
It's the final countdown
This is the final leg. Ten posts to go.
I am thinking about my kids now. As I wrap up this countdown to my 40th birthday, I want to highlight principles I hope my kids can use to help guide them to adulthood. Of course they will gain their own wisdom along the way and the things I believe may not work for them. I get that. And I'll never be able to put in writing all the things I believe about life. But it's fun to think about.
Kids, this is for you!
I am thinking about my kids now. As I wrap up this countdown to my 40th birthday, I want to highlight principles I hope my kids can use to help guide them to adulthood. Of course they will gain their own wisdom along the way and the things I believe may not work for them. I get that. And I'll never be able to put in writing all the things I believe about life. But it's fun to think about.
Kids, this is for you!
30. Do what you HAVE to do to do what you WANT to do.
Actor Denzel Washington grew up with this saying and used it as a parent himself. And, Denzel worked it into the dialog for his recent movie "The Great Debaters" (which I haven't seen but I saw him discussing it on TV.)
It hits the nail on the head. You have to put in your time, you have to do the hard work to get what you want in life. I want my kids to grow up embracing this idea.
College was a real test of this philosophy in my life. I worked extremely hard to get great grades. I figured top marks would open doors for me - doors to grad school, to great jobs, to options. Scholastic success was my path to a bright future.
And I knew I needed a path. My mom raised two kids solely on her income, and when I entered college, I knew that one day I might be financially responsible for my future family. I wanted a solid career not only to achieve my personal potential but as a safety net.
So I buckled down. I took a full course load and studied about 3 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week for the 4 years I was at UT. (And partied like a rock star too. More on that later.)
It paid off in spades - the grades not the partying. I got the best grades I could muster (not perfect but impressive) which led to lots of job interviews my senior year and the choice of several terrific jobs. I chose a consulting job that took me on a path of adventure and great income and a great work experience.
So I did what I HAD to do (study) to do what I WANTED to do (get a good job.) But all work and no play makes Margo a boring girl. I partied too. I had an active social life (not as active as my husband's tales of his college years) but there was no shortage of fun in my life.
I hit the books hard then I felt free to let my hair down and swill a few beers with my buds.
Eight years out of college, I was part of a team that selected college seniors to hire for engineering positions. The red flag flew high when a student explained away a bad grade by saying "I don't do well when I get bored." We looked for people who persevered even in the face of boredom. All jobs get boring but that's no excuse to slack off.
As parents we are trying to push the idea of doing what you need to do (chores, homework) to do what you want to do (watch TV, play video games.) It's not always easy but I know for sure it's worth it.
It hits the nail on the head. You have to put in your time, you have to do the hard work to get what you want in life. I want my kids to grow up embracing this idea.
College was a real test of this philosophy in my life. I worked extremely hard to get great grades. I figured top marks would open doors for me - doors to grad school, to great jobs, to options. Scholastic success was my path to a bright future.
And I knew I needed a path. My mom raised two kids solely on her income, and when I entered college, I knew that one day I might be financially responsible for my future family. I wanted a solid career not only to achieve my personal potential but as a safety net.
So I buckled down. I took a full course load and studied about 3 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week for the 4 years I was at UT. (And partied like a rock star too. More on that later.)
It paid off in spades - the grades not the partying. I got the best grades I could muster (not perfect but impressive) which led to lots of job interviews my senior year and the choice of several terrific jobs. I chose a consulting job that took me on a path of adventure and great income and a great work experience.
So I did what I HAD to do (study) to do what I WANTED to do (get a good job.) But all work and no play makes Margo a boring girl. I partied too. I had an active social life (not as active as my husband's tales of his college years) but there was no shortage of fun in my life.
I hit the books hard then I felt free to let my hair down and swill a few beers with my buds.
Eight years out of college, I was part of a team that selected college seniors to hire for engineering positions. The red flag flew high when a student explained away a bad grade by saying "I don't do well when I get bored." We looked for people who persevered even in the face of boredom. All jobs get boring but that's no excuse to slack off.
As parents we are trying to push the idea of doing what you need to do (chores, homework) to do what you want to do (watch TV, play video games.) It's not always easy but I know for sure it's worth it.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
29. A simple "no" will do.
Somewhere on the road of life I detoured away from the black hole destination of People Pleaser. You know this hot spot. If you have mammary glands, it's highly likely you might be trapped there.
People Pleasers say "yes" even when they feel like saying "no". They say "yes" so much that their lives start to wobble out of balance, or they get resentful of all of their responsibilities, or they lose focus of the things that are really important to them.
This is a simple skill I wish more women could master. The art of the simple "no." I do it all the time and have absolutely no guilt about it.
Q: Can you bring 8 dozen homemade sugar cookies for the kindergarten party tomorrow at 7:30AM?
A: I'm sorry, I can't help out tomorrow.
Q: Will you be able to chair this committee next year because we absolutely can't find anyone to do it? We are in such a tough bind.
A: I don't think I can.
Q: Can you babysit our 10 kids tomorrow for 12 hours while we go trolling at garage sales?
A: I'm sorry, but I can't.
No lengthy explanations are needed. Elaborate excuses are not required. I have the right to give a simple no. This doesn't fly at work or with clients or with spouses so much, but in common social situations, I feel like a simple "no" is perfectly acceptable.
I don't feel guilty about saying "no" because I say "yes" too. I see myself as a helpful person. I like to participate, lend a hand, pitch in. But I can't do it all the time, no matter what, at all costs. I say "yes" when it makes sense with my availability, priorities, and other constraints. I think for the most part my friends view me as someone who they can call at the drop of a hat if they need help. I say yes to them all the time and am happy to do so!
Will people get mad at me if I politely decline their requests? Will they think badly of me? Maybe. But that's okay with me. Period. I can't make everybody like me. I can't make everybody happy.
The simple "no" is an essential tool for my life balance, keeping focused on what matters to my family and myself, and my general well being.
It's easier than you might think. Try it. You might like it.
People Pleasers say "yes" even when they feel like saying "no". They say "yes" so much that their lives start to wobble out of balance, or they get resentful of all of their responsibilities, or they lose focus of the things that are really important to them.
This is a simple skill I wish more women could master. The art of the simple "no." I do it all the time and have absolutely no guilt about it.
Q: Can you bring 8 dozen homemade sugar cookies for the kindergarten party tomorrow at 7:30AM?
A: I'm sorry, I can't help out tomorrow.
Q: Will you be able to chair this committee next year because we absolutely can't find anyone to do it? We are in such a tough bind.
A: I don't think I can.
Q: Can you babysit our 10 kids tomorrow for 12 hours while we go trolling at garage sales?
A: I'm sorry, but I can't.
No lengthy explanations are needed. Elaborate excuses are not required. I have the right to give a simple no. This doesn't fly at work or with clients or with spouses so much, but in common social situations, I feel like a simple "no" is perfectly acceptable.
I don't feel guilty about saying "no" because I say "yes" too. I see myself as a helpful person. I like to participate, lend a hand, pitch in. But I can't do it all the time, no matter what, at all costs. I say "yes" when it makes sense with my availability, priorities, and other constraints. I think for the most part my friends view me as someone who they can call at the drop of a hat if they need help. I say yes to them all the time and am happy to do so!
Will people get mad at me if I politely decline their requests? Will they think badly of me? Maybe. But that's okay with me. Period. I can't make everybody like me. I can't make everybody happy.
The simple "no" is an essential tool for my life balance, keeping focused on what matters to my family and myself, and my general well being.
It's easier than you might think. Try it. You might like it.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
28. I do not believe everything happens for a reason.
Happy New Year. Welcome 2008.
I know it's part of our popular culture to claim everything happens for a reason. Maybe it is a quiet affirmation of a divine plan. People chant this mantra when a friend gets laid off, when a cousin gets dumped at the altar, when a loved one has a tragic car accident from which he walks away unharmed.
It's a commonly accepted expression, but I've recently started to question it. I feel like it oversimplifies, or worse, devalues real tragedy and crushing loss like the death of a spouse or child through horrific violence, devastating tsunamis, school house shootings.
I admit the idea that everything happens for a reason is a wildly useful concept. It's always practical, and often enlightening, to consider what can be learned from any situation. (See previous post #27.) By considering the unforeseen reason, we have hope that better days lie ahead. When we glance back through our lives, we more clearly see how all the events, good and bad, have led us to where we are.
But to say that EVERYTHING happens for a reason may be insulting to our loved ones who carry unimaginable pain in their hearts.
I have a friend back home who was sexually molested for years by her stepfather. With her mother's full knowledge. I've seen how the abuse has altered the trajectory of her entire life. I've been with her as an adult, collapsed in tears, agonizing over the "reason" she was molested. People she respects frequently parrot the expression. My friend is crushed because she can't figure out WHY it happened to her. "Why did God not protect me? Is there a reason I was treated like an animal? It must be because there's something wrong with me." She has tortured herself trying to find the reason.
I wouldn't dare say to my friend whose brother died as a teenager that everything happens for a reason. How could I be so brazen to assume that my colleague whose child died of congenital heart disease believes there is a reason her daughter is gone?
This IS what I believe.
I believe that God does not control every event on Earth. I do not believe in a God who wrecks havoc in our lives as a way to punish us. I think shit happens. There is good in this world and there is evil. God has given human kind the capacity for both. We have free will to choose good over evil.
I believe God has bestowed on mankind the life sustaining gifts of hope, of faith, of love. And with these, we have the promise that better days lie ahead. We have the capacity to overcome tragedy. When we are devastated by the unfathomable, there is always hope that there can be happiness and fulfillment again in our future.
And, I believe suffering is part of the human experience. People do things with their pain that serves a greater purpose. Many are able to transform tragedy into something meaningful and comforting for themselves and others. Suffering inspires compassion too.
But is all the good that springs forth from tragedy a good enough reason for those who have suffered at at the hands of fate? Perhaps mankind benefits, but for the sufferers I assume that knowledge may never be enough comfort, enough reason.
So I think I will resist saying that "everything happens for a reason." Wish I could think of an adequate replacement. Perhaps the complexity of life cannot always be summed up with small phrases.
I know it's part of our popular culture to claim everything happens for a reason. Maybe it is a quiet affirmation of a divine plan. People chant this mantra when a friend gets laid off, when a cousin gets dumped at the altar, when a loved one has a tragic car accident from which he walks away unharmed.
It's a commonly accepted expression, but I've recently started to question it. I feel like it oversimplifies, or worse, devalues real tragedy and crushing loss like the death of a spouse or child through horrific violence, devastating tsunamis, school house shootings.
I admit the idea that everything happens for a reason is a wildly useful concept. It's always practical, and often enlightening, to consider what can be learned from any situation. (See previous post #27.) By considering the unforeseen reason, we have hope that better days lie ahead. When we glance back through our lives, we more clearly see how all the events, good and bad, have led us to where we are.
But to say that EVERYTHING happens for a reason may be insulting to our loved ones who carry unimaginable pain in their hearts.
I have a friend back home who was sexually molested for years by her stepfather. With her mother's full knowledge. I've seen how the abuse has altered the trajectory of her entire life. I've been with her as an adult, collapsed in tears, agonizing over the "reason" she was molested. People she respects frequently parrot the expression. My friend is crushed because she can't figure out WHY it happened to her. "Why did God not protect me? Is there a reason I was treated like an animal? It must be because there's something wrong with me." She has tortured herself trying to find the reason.
I wouldn't dare say to my friend whose brother died as a teenager that everything happens for a reason. How could I be so brazen to assume that my colleague whose child died of congenital heart disease believes there is a reason her daughter is gone?
This IS what I believe.
I believe that God does not control every event on Earth. I do not believe in a God who wrecks havoc in our lives as a way to punish us. I think shit happens. There is good in this world and there is evil. God has given human kind the capacity for both. We have free will to choose good over evil.
I believe God has bestowed on mankind the life sustaining gifts of hope, of faith, of love. And with these, we have the promise that better days lie ahead. We have the capacity to overcome tragedy. When we are devastated by the unfathomable, there is always hope that there can be happiness and fulfillment again in our future.
And, I believe suffering is part of the human experience. People do things with their pain that serves a greater purpose. Many are able to transform tragedy into something meaningful and comforting for themselves and others. Suffering inspires compassion too.
But is all the good that springs forth from tragedy a good enough reason for those who have suffered at at the hands of fate? Perhaps mankind benefits, but for the sufferers I assume that knowledge may never be enough comfort, enough reason.
So I think I will resist saying that "everything happens for a reason." Wish I could think of an adequate replacement. Perhaps the complexity of life cannot always be summed up with small phrases.
Monday, December 31, 2007
27. In bad times, I like to ask "what is the lesson?"
When my world seems out of sorts, when the road is swervy and nauseating, I try to ask myself "what is the lesson I need to learn from this?" Actually, I ponder this on a frequent basis, not just when things are run off in the ditch.
This contemplation helps center me and get me into a more open mindset. If I can think about the spiritual lesson available to me, I can begin to focus less on the trivial and more on the profound.
It also helps me concentrate on the only thing I have control over - ME. I want to learn from the situations I am faced with and I want to think about if I could do something differently next time. So I ask myself - What can I learn from this? How could I do this better? What role did I play in all of this? How did I contribute to this situation?
Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes I can't see clearly until the crisis has past. But asking and looking inward helps keep me afloat.
This contemplation helps center me and get me into a more open mindset. If I can think about the spiritual lesson available to me, I can begin to focus less on the trivial and more on the profound.
It also helps me concentrate on the only thing I have control over - ME. I want to learn from the situations I am faced with and I want to think about if I could do something differently next time. So I ask myself - What can I learn from this? How could I do this better? What role did I play in all of this? How did I contribute to this situation?
Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes I can't see clearly until the crisis has past. But asking and looking inward helps keep me afloat.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
26. Marital infidelity - never say never
I married a man that grilled me when we were dating about my perspective on infidelity. Despite a generally mellow demeanor, he got heated just talking about it. And, he made his expectations clear like ice water - he would not tolerate any lapse. Cheating was not in his vocabulary, and he would only commit to someone who felt the same way.
I felt the same way!
And, I loved that he was so clear about it. I think every guy I'd ever been serious with cheated on me. So hubby's high moral ground felt refreshing. It spoke loud volumes about his character.
But, never say never. When it comes to marriage, I think we have to keep a constant vigil to ensure our partner's needs AND our own needs are being met. Not constant like hourly but constant like in the grand scheme of things.
Everyone wants to be heard, needed, understood, respected. We have to stay connected with our spouses through time together, conversation, physical intimacy and whatever activities nourish our bonds. There are times when other priorities mean we have less time to dedicate to our marital relationship (pregnancy, new babies, moving, medical issues, etc.), and a good marriage should be able to weather those times.
But I think we fool ourselves if we cling solely to the idea that our spouse will never cheat or even that we would never cheat. People become vulnerable when we feel lonely, unfulfilled, underappreciated, or misunderstood for prolonged periods of time.
Don't cheaters usually end up saying stuff like, "She made me feel special." Well, as a spouse, I want to be the one that makes him feel special, and I want the same from him.
I felt the same way!
And, I loved that he was so clear about it. I think every guy I'd ever been serious with cheated on me. So hubby's high moral ground felt refreshing. It spoke loud volumes about his character.
But, never say never. When it comes to marriage, I think we have to keep a constant vigil to ensure our partner's needs AND our own needs are being met. Not constant like hourly but constant like in the grand scheme of things.
Everyone wants to be heard, needed, understood, respected. We have to stay connected with our spouses through time together, conversation, physical intimacy and whatever activities nourish our bonds. There are times when other priorities mean we have less time to dedicate to our marital relationship (pregnancy, new babies, moving, medical issues, etc.), and a good marriage should be able to weather those times.
But I think we fool ourselves if we cling solely to the idea that our spouse will never cheat or even that we would never cheat. People become vulnerable when we feel lonely, unfulfilled, underappreciated, or misunderstood for prolonged periods of time.
Don't cheaters usually end up saying stuff like, "She made me feel special." Well, as a spouse, I want to be the one that makes him feel special, and I want the same from him.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
25. Don't stand in the way of other people's life purpose
Have you read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho? It's one of my favorite books.
The Alchemist is fable about a shepherd boy, Santiago, who receives a divine message about his life's true purpose. He decides to pursue his calling despite uncertainty, obstacles and roadblocks. Along the way, he encounters characters who propel him toward his dreams.
The Alchemist is full of spiritual lessons. One of my grand takeaways is that you must not stand in the way of someone on the road to his life's purpose. The universe (my word, not the author's) wants others to be believers, to be dreamers too, and help those who are pursuing their dreams. Your own journey may become clouded or obstructed if you are the kind of person who stands in the way.
I clung to this belief when my husband decided to change his career focus which led our family through a wild tangle of financial and lifestyle change and 8 years of relocations (we've only done 3 years so far). I knew it was his life's dream; we talked about it when we were dating almost a decade earlier. And, I believed in his calling.
He was bold enough to reach for the stars, and I believed the universe wanted me to go the same direction. So, I was willing to bear the burden of significant upheaval to support him.
It wasn't always easy. Actually it was never easy. That's another idea from The Alchemist. When you first purse your dreams, the universe will make it easy to go with the flow but then bigger and bigger obstacles will land in your path. That sure happened to us.
My husband is a thousand times happier now that he's on his new path. And that makes our whole family happier. It's been worth the turmoil.
The Alchemist is fable about a shepherd boy, Santiago, who receives a divine message about his life's true purpose. He decides to pursue his calling despite uncertainty, obstacles and roadblocks. Along the way, he encounters characters who propel him toward his dreams.
The Alchemist is full of spiritual lessons. One of my grand takeaways is that you must not stand in the way of someone on the road to his life's purpose. The universe (my word, not the author's) wants others to be believers, to be dreamers too, and help those who are pursuing their dreams. Your own journey may become clouded or obstructed if you are the kind of person who stands in the way.
I clung to this belief when my husband decided to change his career focus which led our family through a wild tangle of financial and lifestyle change and 8 years of relocations (we've only done 3 years so far). I knew it was his life's dream; we talked about it when we were dating almost a decade earlier. And, I believed in his calling.
He was bold enough to reach for the stars, and I believed the universe wanted me to go the same direction. So, I was willing to bear the burden of significant upheaval to support him.
It wasn't always easy. Actually it was never easy. That's another idea from The Alchemist. When you first purse your dreams, the universe will make it easy to go with the flow but then bigger and bigger obstacles will land in your path. That sure happened to us.
My husband is a thousand times happier now that he's on his new path. And that makes our whole family happier. It's been worth the turmoil.
Friday, December 28, 2007
24. Don't give away the milk for free
When I was young and looking for love, I considered it off limits to live with a guy before I got married. Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free? You've heard of that one right? That phrase was probably initiated for premarital sex but I applied it to shacking up.
I don't think it makes sense to live together to test out whether you are good match. Here's why.
I think marriage can be difficult. Oftentime very difficult. A lot of adapting, compromising, and negotiating goes on as a couple comes together. The commitment of marriage is needed to help two people get through the rough patches along the way. And for most people, there seem to be big surprises, disappointments and rough spots early on because of the magnitude of change going from single to double. With the marriage commitment, your frame of mind is "How do we work through this?" Without the marriage commitment, your frame of mind may be "Can I live with this forever?"
I know why people shack up first. I get that it is really hard to know if someone is right for you and to know for sure if you will still love that person once you see his dirty underwear on the floor by the toilet every day. But for me, it worked to keep that milk nice and cold in the icebox until loverboy was ready to fork over his milk money.
I don't think it makes sense to live together to test out whether you are good match. Here's why.
I think marriage can be difficult. Oftentime very difficult. A lot of adapting, compromising, and negotiating goes on as a couple comes together. The commitment of marriage is needed to help two people get through the rough patches along the way. And for most people, there seem to be big surprises, disappointments and rough spots early on because of the magnitude of change going from single to double. With the marriage commitment, your frame of mind is "How do we work through this?" Without the marriage commitment, your frame of mind may be "Can I live with this forever?"
I know why people shack up first. I get that it is really hard to know if someone is right for you and to know for sure if you will still love that person once you see his dirty underwear on the floor by the toilet every day. But for me, it worked to keep that milk nice and cold in the icebox until loverboy was ready to fork over his milk money.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
23. I want to be a vaccine for my daughter's self esteem
I heard author/feminist Naomi Wolf postulate that the best vaccine to guard against a daughter's low self esteem is to have a mother with high self esteem. That made total sense to me.I suffered from an average dose of self doubt and self loathing as a teenager but climbed out of that negative trap somewhere along in my 20's. Thank God. And now as a parent of a daughter, I am very concerned about how to raise Lily so that she won't fixate on her flaws, her figure, and her imperfections (like the media does) but rises above that nonsense. According to Ms.Wolf my high self esteem will help. I am glad to have a leg up because our culture will make this an uphill battle.
My daughter does not hear me complain about my womanly figure. She does not hear me bemoan my age. She does not see me dress provocatively to get attention. Nope! Instead Lily lives with a woman who feels comfortable in her body (flaws and all) and knows that her self worth is deeper than physical attributes. She lives with a woman who is willing to try new things, meet new people, stand up for herself, and accept challenges. Naomi Wolf, I sure hope your right.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
22. Anger is a manifestation of fear, disappointment or frustration.
This point kept coming up several seasons ago on the Oprah show.
"Anger is a manfestation of fear, disappointment or frustration."
I think about this when I get angry. The kind of angry where I want to scream, hit and throw things. (Yes, I do get that pissed!) I ask myself - Is this anger about frustration? or fear? or disappointment?
It helps me think more clearly about what I am honestly reacting to. I can usually pretty quickly come up with which of the three is at the heart of the issue. It doesn't solve anything but it helps me deal with reality instead of steam and fumes.
I believe that we will all have fear in our lives, and disappointments too, and lots of frustrations. These are part of the human experience; we can't avoid them (completely). And it helps me get past anger when I can see more clearly the emotion at the heart of the issue.
"Anger is a manfestation of fear, disappointment or frustration."
I think about this when I get angry. The kind of angry where I want to scream, hit and throw things. (Yes, I do get that pissed!) I ask myself - Is this anger about frustration? or fear? or disappointment?
It helps me think more clearly about what I am honestly reacting to. I can usually pretty quickly come up with which of the three is at the heart of the issue. It doesn't solve anything but it helps me deal with reality instead of steam and fumes.
I believe that we will all have fear in our lives, and disappointments too, and lots of frustrations. These are part of the human experience; we can't avoid them (completely). And it helps me get past anger when I can see more clearly the emotion at the heart of the issue.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
21. People can change.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We hear all the time that people can't change. I disagree. I think people can change.
BUT! BUT!
And these are two big buts.
#1. I don't think we can change anyone but ourselves. I don't think we can change our husbands, our mothers, our boyfriends, or our in-laws. The only person we have any control over is ourselves. We can advise, pray, scold, and demand until we are blue in the face. In the end, it is the other person's choice if he/she wants to do anything differently. It's not up to us.
#2. Don't hold out hope that someone is going to change their stripes. I don't think it makes sense to enter into something with someone on the condition that he/she will be different. Yes, people can change but it doesn't happen very often. So if you are entering into a relationship or marriage hoping that your partner will cast off bad habits and adopt new virtues.. well... you are setting yourself up for some big disappointments.
And I suspect that people very rarely alter who they are at their core. Grand shifts are probably inspired by suffering, illness, loss, enlightment, or some kind of catastrophe. People hopefully evolve by small degrees as they mature but huge shifts are probably rare.
We hear all the time that people can't change. I disagree. I think people can change.
BUT! BUT!
And these are two big buts.
#1. I don't think we can change anyone but ourselves. I don't think we can change our husbands, our mothers, our boyfriends, or our in-laws. The only person we have any control over is ourselves. We can advise, pray, scold, and demand until we are blue in the face. In the end, it is the other person's choice if he/she wants to do anything differently. It's not up to us.
#2. Don't hold out hope that someone is going to change their stripes. I don't think it makes sense to enter into something with someone on the condition that he/she will be different. Yes, people can change but it doesn't happen very often. So if you are entering into a relationship or marriage hoping that your partner will cast off bad habits and adopt new virtues.. well... you are setting yourself up for some big disappointments.
And I suspect that people very rarely alter who they are at their core. Grand shifts are probably inspired by suffering, illness, loss, enlightment, or some kind of catastrophe. People hopefully evolve by small degrees as they mature but huge shifts are probably rare.
Monday, December 24, 2007
20. There's more to this world than meets the eye
Ah, #20. The halfway mark. This undertaking has been harder than I thought. And here I am at 8:57pm CHRISTMAS EVE about to pound out No. 20. We drove 6 hours from OKC to get to our house tonight. We rolled in at dusk, played a while in the two-day old snow, then watched Polar Express by the Christmas tree in the warmth of new blankets and a fake fire. I just put a French toast casserole in the fridge for tomorrow morning and now I have to think of #20. Maybe by the time I write this, the kids will be snugly sleeping and we can tuck Santa's presents under the tree and in the stockings. I am already loving every minute of our first Christmas at our house since we've had kids.
No. 20 - There's more to this world than meets the eye.
I believe there are mysteries in this world that science cannot explain. I believe there are forces in nature that we cannot see or even comprehend with our human minds. Miracles, feng shui, ghosts, communicating with spirits, God, love...science and logic aren't equipped to explain what is unseen. There are lots of things I am skeptical about. I question the unexplainable sometimes. But then I remind myself that anything is possible.
No. 20 - There's more to this world than meets the eye.
I believe there are mysteries in this world that science cannot explain. I believe there are forces in nature that we cannot see or even comprehend with our human minds. Miracles, feng shui, ghosts, communicating with spirits, God, love...science and logic aren't equipped to explain what is unseen. There are lots of things I am skeptical about. I question the unexplainable sometimes. But then I remind myself that anything is possible.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
19. I must appreciate my kids for who they really are.
I believe that I must know who my children really are and accept their fundamental nature.
For example, my son has always been extremely hesitant in new situations. This part of his personality screamed to the surface at his first Christmas party at 11 months old. It was hard for me accept this about him for a lot of reasons and maybe mostly because it wasn't like me who always loves a crowd. I now know this is part of him. I am trying to teach him more coping skills so that he knows ways to approach a crowd without being overwhelmed. But, I accept that new situations will likely be more awkward for him than they are for someone else's child.
My daughter is very independent. She wanted to walk down the stairs standing up as soon as she started walking. With no help. She wanted to dress herself without interference at the age of two. Independence is her fundamental nature. I accept that about her which is helpful characteristic for a 3 year old but I am sure will be a nightmare when she's 11.
I want to honor who my kids' are. I want them know themselves and love themselves and that starts with their parents leading by example.
For example, my son has always been extremely hesitant in new situations. This part of his personality screamed to the surface at his first Christmas party at 11 months old. It was hard for me accept this about him for a lot of reasons and maybe mostly because it wasn't like me who always loves a crowd. I now know this is part of him. I am trying to teach him more coping skills so that he knows ways to approach a crowd without being overwhelmed. But, I accept that new situations will likely be more awkward for him than they are for someone else's child.
My daughter is very independent. She wanted to walk down the stairs standing up as soon as she started walking. With no help. She wanted to dress herself without interference at the age of two. Independence is her fundamental nature. I accept that about her which is helpful characteristic for a 3 year old but I am sure will be a nightmare when she's 11.
I want to honor who my kids' are. I want them know themselves and love themselves and that starts with their parents leading by example.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
18. Give yourself 12 months to evaluate a potential partner's character
I think it's a good idea to spend a full year with your boyfriend or girlfriend before deciding on marriage. A full year gives you time to see more clearly through the lusty fog of your initial chemistry. Twelve months allows you to see your sweetheart in a wide variety of conditions too: you being sick and vice versa, during high stress family holidays, possibly during a vacation. Lots of folks can be adoring, polite and attentive during the first few months of dating...but only time will tell how your pumpkin acts when the high heat of infatuation starts to simmer into something more long lasting.
I think it makes sense to explore the real depths of someone's character and virtues which takes time. What's the rush anyway? Isn't such a momentous decision worth making armed with lots of good insight and a clear conscience?
I think it makes sense to explore the real depths of someone's character and virtues which takes time. What's the rush anyway? Isn't such a momentous decision worth making armed with lots of good insight and a clear conscience?
Friday, December 21, 2007
17. Gossip is poison
I am not a fan of talking about people negatively behind their backs. I think it harms me because it keeps me in a negative state of mind, and I think it harms the person I might be talking about. The person who hears my negative words may change his/her opinion the target of my gossip, which isn't fair for anyone.
I do think there is a way to problem solve when I am faced with a challenging situation with another person. I think it is okay to talk with a trusted friend if I am honestly trying to find a solution or a strategy about another person. But I've found there is a fine line between problem solving and gossip; that line can be inadvertently crossed in an instant. I try to ask myself "would I have this exact conversation, with the same tone of voice and the same spirit, if the person I am talking about were sitting next to me?" If the answer is no, then it probably means I've slipped into something like gossip.
I read a great quote from a crazy man last week. Phil Spector (cuckoo) had a great quote from an interview ten years ago.
"Great minds talk about ideas.
Average minds talk about events.
Simple minds talk about people."
Thought provoking.
I do think there is a way to problem solve when I am faced with a challenging situation with another person. I think it is okay to talk with a trusted friend if I am honestly trying to find a solution or a strategy about another person. But I've found there is a fine line between problem solving and gossip; that line can be inadvertently crossed in an instant. I try to ask myself "would I have this exact conversation, with the same tone of voice and the same spirit, if the person I am talking about were sitting next to me?" If the answer is no, then it probably means I've slipped into something like gossip.
I read a great quote from a crazy man last week. Phil Spector (cuckoo) had a great quote from an interview ten years ago.
"Great minds talk about ideas.
Average minds talk about events.
Simple minds talk about people."
Thought provoking.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
14 - 16. Sex is better on an empty stomach.
(I am posting 3 lessons today because my Christmas plans just changed. In a few hours I am starting a 2-day drive with my kids to go see my mom who isn't feeling very well. Hubby will join us on Friday.)
14. Sex is better on an empty stomach.
15. Sex is an adult activity.
16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever.
14. Sex is better on an empty stomach - This one speaks for itself I think. Do I need to elaborate? One of my weight management strategies is to not eat 2 hours before bed. When I started doing this I noticed the darnedest thing - sex is so much better if I don't have a big meal or snack sloshing around in my gut. You'd think I would have figured this out 20 years ago (and maybe I did) but it seems to be a realization that didn't sink in until my late 30's.
15. Sex is an adult activity - I remember my mom saying this when I was a teenager. It made tons of sense to my young mind. I don't think I'll preach to my kids to "save themselves" for marriage because I think it's unrealistic with people getting married much later in life (often in their 30's). But I will talk about #15 and #16.
Sex is a natural, healthy, fabulous part of life. But it is for adults because the consequences are so great. Youngsters aren't emotionally equipped to make wise decisions about this kind of physical intimacy.
When you are intimate with someone, you are putting your life in his/her hands; with AIDS and other STD's the consequences of bad decisions are life changing and maybe life ending. Of course, an unplanned pregnancy will change the trajectory of your life. And there are lots of guys with terrible jealous streaks, who don't know how to handle their anger, and have grown up in homes with domestic abuse. If you end up in a sexual relationship with one of them, you may not realize what kind of physical violence you are inviting into your world. We've all seen the news stories. When a young woman is murdered or missing, the perpetrator is usually the man in their life. You have to make wise decisions about sex because your life is at stake.
16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever. I believe that everyone you share your life with stays with you forever in ways you cannot control or predict. The footprint some people leave is obvious. For example, I still have strange dreams about a guy I dated for 2 years in college. He is still with me - not in a way disturbing or distracting way, but he is there and uninvited. Have you ever been intimate with someone you love but you can't push thoughts of someone else out of your mind? That hasn't happened to me in a long time but it has happened and I didn't like it.
14. Sex is better on an empty stomach.
15. Sex is an adult activity.
16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever.
14. Sex is better on an empty stomach - This one speaks for itself I think. Do I need to elaborate? One of my weight management strategies is to not eat 2 hours before bed. When I started doing this I noticed the darnedest thing - sex is so much better if I don't have a big meal or snack sloshing around in my gut. You'd think I would have figured this out 20 years ago (and maybe I did) but it seems to be a realization that didn't sink in until my late 30's.
15. Sex is an adult activity - I remember my mom saying this when I was a teenager. It made tons of sense to my young mind. I don't think I'll preach to my kids to "save themselves" for marriage because I think it's unrealistic with people getting married much later in life (often in their 30's). But I will talk about #15 and #16.
Sex is a natural, healthy, fabulous part of life. But it is for adults because the consequences are so great. Youngsters aren't emotionally equipped to make wise decisions about this kind of physical intimacy.
When you are intimate with someone, you are putting your life in his/her hands; with AIDS and other STD's the consequences of bad decisions are life changing and maybe life ending. Of course, an unplanned pregnancy will change the trajectory of your life. And there are lots of guys with terrible jealous streaks, who don't know how to handle their anger, and have grown up in homes with domestic abuse. If you end up in a sexual relationship with one of them, you may not realize what kind of physical violence you are inviting into your world. We've all seen the news stories. When a young woman is murdered or missing, the perpetrator is usually the man in their life. You have to make wise decisions about sex because your life is at stake.
16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever. I believe that everyone you share your life with stays with you forever in ways you cannot control or predict. The footprint some people leave is obvious. For example, I still have strange dreams about a guy I dated for 2 years in college. He is still with me - not in a way disturbing or distracting way, but he is there and uninvited. Have you ever been intimate with someone you love but you can't push thoughts of someone else out of your mind? That hasn't happened to me in a long time but it has happened and I didn't like it.
Monday, December 17, 2007
13. Be impeccable with your word.
This is the "first agreement" in a book I adore, The Four Agreements by the Toltec Indian mystic and healer Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a straightforward and powerful guide for personal conduct. If we can make these four agreements, we can begin to transform our lives and transcend doubt, personal drama and achieve more inner peace.
"Be impeccable with your word."
Honesty and integrity are essential to me. All of my friends have probably heard me say at one time or another that I don't lie. And I don't. I even shy away from the fuzzy white lie. My life makes more sense, I am clearer thinking and don't get caught up in distractions if I can be honest with myself and other people.
That's not to say that I am brutally frank and tell people I don't like their new haircut or the 1960's Christmas sweater they are parading around in. There is a difference between having integrity and being honest and feeling like you have to blurt out everything you think even if it might hurt someone's feelings. I don't do that.
Bosses and coworkers have told me for years that I am very diplomatic. Maybe that comes from years of working in sensitive positions. Being diplomatic to me means that I know how to say what is honest in a way that doesn't unnecessarily hurt people. And I know how to answer those tricky questions like "Do I look fat in this dress?" by choosing something more positive to say.
I have lied. I've lied recently and felt really bad about it. Mostly it's easy for me to be honest but I occasionally get tripped up. My intention 100% of the time is lead with integrity.
I am sure the remaining three agreements will pop up in this list somewhere along the way:
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always to your best.
Not earth shattering on the surface, but understanding the Toltec interpretation of how these behaviors can transform our lives is intoxicating.
Is this a book review or a countdown?
"Be impeccable with your word."
Honesty and integrity are essential to me. All of my friends have probably heard me say at one time or another that I don't lie. And I don't. I even shy away from the fuzzy white lie. My life makes more sense, I am clearer thinking and don't get caught up in distractions if I can be honest with myself and other people.
That's not to say that I am brutally frank and tell people I don't like their new haircut or the 1960's Christmas sweater they are parading around in. There is a difference between having integrity and being honest and feeling like you have to blurt out everything you think even if it might hurt someone's feelings. I don't do that.
Bosses and coworkers have told me for years that I am very diplomatic. Maybe that comes from years of working in sensitive positions. Being diplomatic to me means that I know how to say what is honest in a way that doesn't unnecessarily hurt people. And I know how to answer those tricky questions like "Do I look fat in this dress?" by choosing something more positive to say.
I have lied. I've lied recently and felt really bad about it. Mostly it's easy for me to be honest but I occasionally get tripped up. My intention 100% of the time is lead with integrity.
I am sure the remaining three agreements will pop up in this list somewhere along the way:
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always to your best.
Not earth shattering on the surface, but understanding the Toltec interpretation of how these behaviors can transform our lives is intoxicating.
Is this a book review or a countdown?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
12. Take charge of your happiness!
(This is hard one for me to explain because I think on paper it comes off as if I don't need people or rely on them, but that is so far from the truth.)
I don't think you can hope that other people will make you happy. They can contribute to your happiness in significant ways (and to your sadness), but I believe we have to make our own paths to that blissful state based on the relationships we have with ourself and whatever divine spirit we may believe. Focusing inward for the source of happiness is not easy. Lots of people look outside themselves and find it difficult to be happy because:
For me, I don't want to place responsibility for my happiness soley on others. I strive to be content based my choices, actions and mind set. These are things that I know help me be happy:
I don't think you can hope that other people will make you happy. They can contribute to your happiness in significant ways (and to your sadness), but I believe we have to make our own paths to that blissful state based on the relationships we have with ourself and whatever divine spirit we may believe. Focusing inward for the source of happiness is not easy. Lots of people look outside themselves and find it difficult to be happy because:
- other people don't appreciate them enough...
- their husbands don't give them enough compliments...
- their bosses haven't recognized all their talents...
- people always disappoint them...
- they aren't yet married...
For me, I don't want to place responsibility for my happiness soley on others. I strive to be content based my choices, actions and mind set. These are things that I know help me be happy:
- Being in a commited relationship with someone I respect, trust and find endlessly fascinating
- Having friendships with people who are honest, open minded and compassionate.
- Drinking a slow cup of coffee in the morning before the world revs up
- reading good books, a hard workout, writing....
- taking time to be quiet and still
- skiing, hiking, camping - almost anything on a trail
Saturday, December 15, 2007
11. We are our children's shepherd
Being at home with our first newborn was full of disorienting extremes. I was exhausted. I soared with exhilaration. My body ached. My heart was adjusting to a new kind of love. In the pictures from those first few weeks, hubby looks dazed and confused. I slept a lot, more than the common stereotype of new moms, but that didn't prevent my world from feeling smeared and blurred and unrecognizable.
It's a wonder I recall anything from that time. But I do remember a powerful sensation that came over me about the role hubby and I should play in our child's life. I felt like God gave us to our child to be his guardians, his shepherds through this world. I recognized Wyatt's life as his own, not an extension of mine or my husband's. And, it was our role as parents to provide him a safe environment to become his own person, to discover his own passions and direction, to choose what he wants from this life.
As the parents to our now two children, I feel like we must guide them to green pastures and provide a childhood full of good influences for a solid foundation. We provide safety, love and a moral foundation. But it is Lily's life. It is Wyatt's life. They are people different from us - with their own personalities, own talents, their own instincts - and when they are adults (and hopefully not sooner) they will make their choices how they will walk through this life. We do not get to make those choices for our children.
It's a wonder I recall anything from that time. But I do remember a powerful sensation that came over me about the role hubby and I should play in our child's life. I felt like God gave us to our child to be his guardians, his shepherds through this world. I recognized Wyatt's life as his own, not an extension of mine or my husband's. And, it was our role as parents to provide him a safe environment to become his own person, to discover his own passions and direction, to choose what he wants from this life.
As the parents to our now two children, I feel like we must guide them to green pastures and provide a childhood full of good influences for a solid foundation. We provide safety, love and a moral foundation. But it is Lily's life. It is Wyatt's life. They are people different from us - with their own personalities, own talents, their own instincts - and when they are adults (and hopefully not sooner) they will make their choices how they will walk through this life. We do not get to make those choices for our children.
I'm not writing ahead - ouch!
One of the reasons this pet project is so tough is that I am not writing ahead. I wanted to see what it felt like to write a short topic every day for 40 days with no prior drafting. It's much harder than I thought.
Could this come at a more hectic time of year - with shopping to do, Christmas cards to write, address and mail, presents to wrap, parties to dress for, road trips to plan?
I think that I might deviate from my plan on the days surrounding Christmas. I might do a little writing a head of time in preparation for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and our travel days to and from OKC.
I wonder what I'll think of this 5 years from now when I look back at this crackpot idea.
Could this come at a more hectic time of year - with shopping to do, Christmas cards to write, address and mail, presents to wrap, parties to dress for, road trips to plan?
I think that I might deviate from my plan on the days surrounding Christmas. I might do a little writing a head of time in preparation for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and our travel days to and from OKC.
I wonder what I'll think of this 5 years from now when I look back at this crackpot idea.
Friday, December 14, 2007
10. Ask yourself it she can do anything about it.
Should you say something if your friend a book club has a stain on her sweater? Should you drop a hint it up if your mother-in-law has spinach in her teeth?
I heard a great guideline years ago that I use frequently. If there is something the person can do about it, you should tell them. If there's nothing they can do about it in that moment, you probably shouldn't bring it up.
So if your best bud has spinach in her teeth, she could fix it with a quick trip to the Ladies' room, so you should mention it to her. When you run into your neighbor at your kindergartners' class party and you notice she has two different shoes on, don't say anything because there's nothing she can do about it in that moment. She'll be embarrassed without anyway to remedy the situation.
I heard a great guideline years ago that I use frequently. If there is something the person can do about it, you should tell them. If there's nothing they can do about it in that moment, you probably shouldn't bring it up.
So if your best bud has spinach in her teeth, she could fix it with a quick trip to the Ladies' room, so you should mention it to her. When you run into your neighbor at your kindergartners' class party and you notice she has two different shoes on, don't say anything because there's nothing she can do about it in that moment. She'll be embarrassed without anyway to remedy the situation.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
9. I like my holidays big and boisterous
We've decided to stay home for Christmas this year. This is a big change for us because we haven't spent a Christmas at our own house since Wyatt was born. We've always gathered with a large family crowd in OKC or Seattle. This year, Wyatt was overly concerned Santa couldn't find us if we ventured too far. And I think this might be his last year believing in Santa; he's asking too many smart, insightful questions about the jolly old fella. So I told hubby that I wanted to have a Christmas morning in our own home.
I feel great about being at home, but a little sad too. Why? I like my holidays full of people and commotion. The community of siblings and extended family gathering in the kitchen, watching movies, and telling stories of their year - all that activity gets me in the holiday spirit. I feed off of the families' energy. I've come to expect the occasional misconduct and family dysfunction. I don't shy away from the ugly stuff - I know it's all part of the package.
So this year, it will be special to wake up to my own french toast casserole and watch my kids open presents perched at their own hearth - but I will miss the hussle of the jam packed, family holiday.
I feel great about being at home, but a little sad too. Why? I like my holidays full of people and commotion. The community of siblings and extended family gathering in the kitchen, watching movies, and telling stories of their year - all that activity gets me in the holiday spirit. I feed off of the families' energy. I've come to expect the occasional misconduct and family dysfunction. I don't shy away from the ugly stuff - I know it's all part of the package.
So this year, it will be special to wake up to my own french toast casserole and watch my kids open presents perched at their own hearth - but I will miss the hussle of the jam packed, family holiday.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
8. Stop complaining and start asking for what you want.
Dr. Phil says this to his guests. I haven't watched his show in years but a few of his quips have stayed with me, like this one - stop complaining and start asking for what you want.
This advice has come in especially helpful when dealing with the opposite sex, namely my husband. What man wants to hear a lot of whining, complaining and emotional carrying-on? It gets old. My husband loses interest real fast if I spend too much time agitating about the problem without getting to a solution. For example, instead of whining about how I feel unappreciated for all the energy it takes to put a healthy meal on the table every night, I turn it around and ask specifically for what I want - help setting the table, help clearing the table, and someone to carry in all the groceries when I shop. That feels better to me. I lay it on the line for what would help me instead of engaging in a lengthy bitch fest about how I occasionally feel put upon.
The challenge with this concept is getting out of the habit of complaining. It's hard switching your techniques from emotional wrangling to straight up communication. For some people, it is really hard to be in tune with their needs enough to state them clearly.
Now, if the person you are dealing with flat out ignores or rejects your straightforward requests, well that's a whole different issue related to compromise and adaptation.
This advice has come in especially helpful when dealing with the opposite sex, namely my husband. What man wants to hear a lot of whining, complaining and emotional carrying-on? It gets old. My husband loses interest real fast if I spend too much time agitating about the problem without getting to a solution. For example, instead of whining about how I feel unappreciated for all the energy it takes to put a healthy meal on the table every night, I turn it around and ask specifically for what I want - help setting the table, help clearing the table, and someone to carry in all the groceries when I shop. That feels better to me. I lay it on the line for what would help me instead of engaging in a lengthy bitch fest about how I occasionally feel put upon.
The challenge with this concept is getting out of the habit of complaining. It's hard switching your techniques from emotional wrangling to straight up communication. For some people, it is really hard to be in tune with their needs enough to state them clearly.
Now, if the person you are dealing with flat out ignores or rejects your straightforward requests, well that's a whole different issue related to compromise and adaptation.
This is hard!
This is harder than I thought. I am only on #7 and I am already worn out. I have 33 more to go. We'll see how far I get!
It is hard to think of things that I feel really sure about, that I think my kids or I might like to read in 20 years. It is a tough mental exercise. Then writing about them without taking up too much time and space is tricky. What did I get myself into?
It is hard to think of things that I feel really sure about, that I think my kids or I might like to read in 20 years. It is a tough mental exercise. Then writing about them without taking up too much time and space is tricky. What did I get myself into?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
7. Go for some "firsts."
I still make new year's resolutions. I may be the only person in the world who does. It's a nice way to give each new year a little direction.
I've had one of the same resolutions on my list year in and year out. A big one for me is that I always want to learn something new or do something for the first time. By looking for new things and venturing out of my comfort zone, I fight getting too stagnate in my increasingly old age. It helps keep me open to the opportunities that come my way.
Sometimes the firsts are really fabulous (this year's writing conference in Iowa) and sometimes they are simple (road a camel for the first time - at the zoo not some glamorous vacation but it was still a first.) Sometimes I name the things I want to try at the beginning of the year but more often than not, I don't have an inkling of the new things I might taste, attempt or jump off of. I keep an open mind so I can accept what comes my way.
What have you done for the first time this year?
I've had one of the same resolutions on my list year in and year out. A big one for me is that I always want to learn something new or do something for the first time. By looking for new things and venturing out of my comfort zone, I fight getting too stagnate in my increasingly old age. It helps keep me open to the opportunities that come my way.
Sometimes the firsts are really fabulous (this year's writing conference in Iowa) and sometimes they are simple (road a camel for the first time - at the zoo not some glamorous vacation but it was still a first.) Sometimes I name the things I want to try at the beginning of the year but more often than not, I don't have an inkling of the new things I might taste, attempt or jump off of. I keep an open mind so I can accept what comes my way.
What have you done for the first time this year?
Monday, December 10, 2007
6. I don't believe in love at first sight
Let me explain! Give me a minute! I know you'll object because you knew Bubba was "the one" when you exchanged casual glances picking over the green beans at the grocery store.
If you tell me you had love at first sight, I won't doubt you and I will cherish your special story.
But for me and my kids....
I won't teach my children (or quietly imply) that they should expect or long for love at first sight. (I'll double check this with hubbie when he gets home tonight but I'm pretty sure he agrees.)
Love at first sight is a romantic notion, but it takes a mature, patient person to distinguish powerful physical attraction from some other kind of more soulful, unexplainable, cosmic connection. If my kids hold out hope for love at first sight, they may miss out on something special because they are pining for a fantasy.
Let me also say that I believe there is usually some kind of attraction that ignites a relationship. Who knows what lights the fire - it could be phermones, shared values, a great tush. But this is a spark, not love.
Even if there is such a thing as love at first sight, I don't think love is enough. A loving, successful partnership takes more than love. You both need good relationship skills (patience, compromise, support) to transform love into partnership.
Footnote 12/27: I asked my husband and he agrees.
If you tell me you had love at first sight, I won't doubt you and I will cherish your special story.
But for me and my kids....
I won't teach my children (or quietly imply) that they should expect or long for love at first sight. (I'll double check this with hubbie when he gets home tonight but I'm pretty sure he agrees.)
Love at first sight is a romantic notion, but it takes a mature, patient person to distinguish powerful physical attraction from some other kind of more soulful, unexplainable, cosmic connection. If my kids hold out hope for love at first sight, they may miss out on something special because they are pining for a fantasy.
Let me also say that I believe there is usually some kind of attraction that ignites a relationship. Who knows what lights the fire - it could be phermones, shared values, a great tush. But this is a spark, not love.
Even if there is such a thing as love at first sight, I don't think love is enough. A loving, successful partnership takes more than love. You both need good relationship skills (patience, compromise, support) to transform love into partnership.
Footnote 12/27: I asked my husband and he agrees.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
5. If it's not fattening or immoral...
I resembled a painted cupie doll in high school - silver eye shadow, aqua eyeliner on top and bottom, caked on base and powder, pink lipstick. My earthy Aunt Helen from New Mexico expressed her concern to my mom about my adornment, and shouldn't Mom do something about it. My mom, working full time and raising two head strong girls on her own, responded by saying "If it's not fattening or immoral, I'm letting it go."
This is a great lesson in parenting. Pick your battles. I don't know if I am good at it, but I hope to use this as a guidepost in my own parenting. I believe you can't nit pick everything about your kids. They need breathing room to make choices and learn from their mistakes. It makes sense to focus on the big stuff and let other things work themselves out. (I tossed out my stock of L'Oreal and Cover Girl after a year of college in granola, liberal Austin.)
Figuring out what "battles" to wage and what to let go is a huge challenge and a fundamental characteristic of your personal parenting philosophy. With youngsters, it seems everything is important - manners, sharing, talking with respect, being appreciative, safety. I probably err on the side of letting too many things go instead of the other way around. (I don't mind if my kids say "fart" just not in public and not all day long.)
In these modern times, I might add on to this phrase "If it's not fattening, immoral, or dangerous...."
This is a great lesson in parenting. Pick your battles. I don't know if I am good at it, but I hope to use this as a guidepost in my own parenting. I believe you can't nit pick everything about your kids. They need breathing room to make choices and learn from their mistakes. It makes sense to focus on the big stuff and let other things work themselves out. (I tossed out my stock of L'Oreal and Cover Girl after a year of college in granola, liberal Austin.)
Figuring out what "battles" to wage and what to let go is a huge challenge and a fundamental characteristic of your personal parenting philosophy. With youngsters, it seems everything is important - manners, sharing, talking with respect, being appreciative, safety. I probably err on the side of letting too many things go instead of the other way around. (I don't mind if my kids say "fart" just not in public and not all day long.)
In these modern times, I might add on to this phrase "If it's not fattening, immoral, or dangerous...."
Saturday, December 8, 2007
4. Keep quiet about your thick knees
People are too preoccupied with their own insecurities to notice yours. If you keep your mouth shut about your bothersome physical or personal attributes, no one will even notice, much less care. Do you hate your lopsided boobs, crooked teeth, thick knees, thinning hair, age spots, goofy laugh, neck mole, cellulite? Keep quiet. Don't shine the spotlight there! No one cares about your imperfections anyway so there's no need to point them out.
I had a great friend in high school who lived this philosophy even as a teenager, which I find remarkable. She had an "exaggerated pear" shape, and she never complained. I never heard her whine or moan about her "problem area." Even if she wasn't totally comfortable with her body, she sure acted like she was which was wonderful thing to witness.
Hopefully by the time you reach your 30's, you no longer sweat the small details of physical imperfection. But if you do, SHHHHH, no one but you really cares.
I had a great friend in high school who lived this philosophy even as a teenager, which I find remarkable. She had an "exaggerated pear" shape, and she never complained. I never heard her whine or moan about her "problem area." Even if she wasn't totally comfortable with her body, she sure acted like she was which was wonderful thing to witness.
Hopefully by the time you reach your 30's, you no longer sweat the small details of physical imperfection. But if you do, SHHHHH, no one but you really cares.
Friday, December 7, 2007
3. No good deed goes unpunished
Doug Nieb, a former Human Resources comrade, a man with a flat affect and a back pocket full of snide but true observations, introduced me to this cynical phrase. As HR folks, we were frequently called on to start employee newsletters, plan holiday parties, manage employee recognition programs, etc. Without fail, whenever we stepped up to do something to better serve our employees, we were peppered with complaints and general insults ("the party is too expensive," "why can't kids come," "I can't read the newsletter in that format" and on and on and on and on.) It happened at almost every company I worked for.
Have you been singled out by whiners and n'er-do-wells when you stepped up to chair that church committee no one else volunteered for? Have the complaints overpowered the positive comments when you tried to organize something new in your neighborhood?
This is what I've learned. Just because the complainers will drown out those who appreciate what you do, stepping forward to do what's right is worth it. If something is worth doing, attack it head on because you know it's right and you know it has value, not because you want to be stroked and bolstered up by applause and appreciation. You have to weather the storm and do it because in your heart you know it is worthwhile.
Have you been singled out by whiners and n'er-do-wells when you stepped up to chair that church committee no one else volunteered for? Have the complaints overpowered the positive comments when you tried to organize something new in your neighborhood?
This is what I've learned. Just because the complainers will drown out those who appreciate what you do, stepping forward to do what's right is worth it. If something is worth doing, attack it head on because you know it's right and you know it has value, not because you want to be stroked and bolstered up by applause and appreciation. You have to weather the storm and do it because in your heart you know it is worthwhile.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
2. When you care enough to send the very best
In my early 20's, I read something about Jackie Kennedy's handwritten, personal notes. On her trademark blue Crane stationary, she would jot down an insightful, heartfelt message after visiting friends and meeting new people, then send if off by post. This subtle and oh-so-classy gesture made a big impression on me.
Doesn't it feel wonderful to receive a personal note? The experience far outshines the sterile, mechanic taste of email. I keep sentimental notes that have been sent to me by friends through the years. (Writing this blog post makes me want to fashion some exquisite box to lovingly store them in.)
I try to send handwritten notes, especially when I stay at someone's house, when a new friend has me to her home the first time, when I know a friend is struggling in some way, or in any situation where I want someone to feel especially appreciated.
Email is slick and easy. It serves a gigantic purpose. But nothing will replace the art and effect of a handcrafted personal note.
Doesn't it feel wonderful to receive a personal note? The experience far outshines the sterile, mechanic taste of email. I keep sentimental notes that have been sent to me by friends through the years. (Writing this blog post makes me want to fashion some exquisite box to lovingly store them in.)
I try to send handwritten notes, especially when I stay at someone's house, when a new friend has me to her home the first time, when I know a friend is struggling in some way, or in any situation where I want someone to feel especially appreciated.
Email is slick and easy. It serves a gigantic purpose. But nothing will replace the art and effect of a handcrafted personal note.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
1. You're in trouble when you start believing your own b.s.
I thought this might be a nice way to start a list of 40 things I know for sure. I worked alongside an inspiring CEO, Don Kasica, when I lived in Denver. He would say to the other executives at his consulting firm that once you start believing your own hype, you stop listening to others and you stop learning.
I was so impressed that the head of a consulting firm had this perspective.
What I love about this idea is that no matter how sure I feel about something, I want to remain open to learning new things. To learn and grow as a person, I want to walk in this world with an open heart and spirit, I want to listen to others and consider new ideas and perspectives. Once you believe you know it all, you get stuck.
I was so impressed that the head of a consulting firm had this perspective.
What I love about this idea is that no matter how sure I feel about something, I want to remain open to learning new things. To learn and grow as a person, I want to walk in this world with an open heart and spirit, I want to listen to others and consider new ideas and perspectives. Once you believe you know it all, you get stuck.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Stay Tuned
I got a hairbrained idea when I was driving the kids home from AirZone - an inflatables activity center. (You'll know what that is only if you have kids between 2 and 10.)
Starting on December 5, 2007, I will try to post one short message a day for the 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday. In each post, I will document one of my life lessons, something I know for sure. I've been wanting to do something along these lines for a while. The trick will be keeping each message short and to the point.
I celebrate turning 40. It feels grand and I am excited to have a found a way to revel in this milestone. Stay tuned.
Starting on December 5, 2007, I will try to post one short message a day for the 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday. In each post, I will document one of my life lessons, something I know for sure. I've been wanting to do something along these lines for a while. The trick will be keeping each message short and to the point.
I celebrate turning 40. It feels grand and I am excited to have a found a way to revel in this milestone. Stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)