28. I do not believe everything happens for a reason.

Happy New Year. Welcome 2008.

I know it's part of our popular culture to claim everything happens for a reason. Maybe it is a quiet affirmation of a divine plan. People chant this mantra when a friend gets laid off, when a cousin gets dumped at the altar, when a loved one has a tragic car accident from which he walks away unharmed.

It's a commonly accepted expression, but I've recently started to question it. I feel like it oversimplifies, or worse, devalues real tragedy and crushing loss like the death of a spouse or child through horrific violence, devastating tsunamis, school house shootings.

I admit the idea that everything happens for a reason is a wildly useful concept. It's always practical, and often enlightening, to consider what can be learned from any situation. (See previous post #27.) By considering the unforeseen reason, we have hope that better days lie ahead. When we glance back through our lives, we more clearly see how all the events, good and bad, have led us to where we are.

But to say that EVERYTHING happens for a reason may be insulting to our loved ones who carry unimaginable pain in their hearts.

I have a friend back home who was sexually molested for years by her stepfather. With her mother's full knowledge. I've seen how the abuse has altered the trajectory of her entire life. I've been with her as an adult, collapsed in tears, agonizing over the "reason" she was molested. People she respects frequently parrot the expression. My friend is crushed because she can't figure out WHY it happened to her. "Why did God not protect me? Is there a reason I was treated like an animal? It must be because there's something wrong with me." She has tortured herself trying to find the reason.

I wouldn't dare say to my friend whose brother died as a teenager that everything happens for a reason. How could I be so brazen to assume that my colleague whose child died of congenital heart disease believes there is a reason her daughter is gone?

This IS what I believe.

I believe that God does not control every event on Earth. I do not believe in a God who wrecks havoc in our lives as a way to punish us. I think shit happens. There is good in this world and there is evil. God has given human kind the capacity for both. We have free will to choose good over evil.

I believe God has bestowed on mankind the life sustaining gifts of hope, of faith, of love. And with these, we have the promise that better days lie ahead. We have the capacity to overcome tragedy. When we are devastated by the unfathomable, there is always hope that there can be happiness and fulfillment again in our future.

And, I believe suffering is part of the human experience. People do things with their pain that serves a greater purpose. Many are able to transform tragedy into something meaningful and comforting for themselves and others. Suffering inspires compassion too.

But is all the good that springs forth from tragedy a good enough reason for those who have suffered at at the hands of fate? Perhaps mankind benefits, but for the sufferers I assume that knowledge may never be enough comfort, enough reason.

So I think I will resist saying that "everything happens for a reason." Wish I could think of an adequate replacement. Perhaps the complexity of life cannot always be summed up with small phrases.

25. Don't stand in the way of other people's life purpose

Have you read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho? It's one of my favorite books.

The Alchemist is fable about a shepherd boy, Santiago, who receives a divine message about his life's true purpose. He decides to pursue his calling despite uncertainty, obstacles and roadblocks. Along the way, he encounters characters who propel him toward his dreams.

The Alchemist is full of spiritual lessons. One of my grand takeaways is that you must not stand in the way of someone on the road to his life's purpose. The universe (my word, not the author's) wants others to be believers, to be dreamers too, and help those who are pursuing their dreams. Your own journey may become clouded or obstructed if you are the kind of person who stands in the way.

I clung to this belief when my husband decided to change his career focus which led our family through a wild tangle of financial and lifestyle change and 8 years of relocations (we've only done 3 years so far). I knew it was his life's dream; we talked about it when we were dating almost a decade earlier. And, I believed in his calling.

He was bold enough to reach for the stars, and I believed the universe wanted me to go the same direction. So, I was willing to bear the burden of significant upheaval to support him.

It wasn't always easy. Actually it was never easy. That's another idea from The Alchemist. When you first purse your dreams, the universe will make it easy to go with the flow but then bigger and bigger obstacles will land in your path. That sure happened to us.

My husband is a thousand times happier now that he's on his new path. And that makes our whole family happier. It's been worth the turmoil.

20. There's more to this world than meets the eye

Ah, #20. The halfway mark. This undertaking has been harder than I thought. And here I am at 8:57pm CHRISTMAS EVE about to pound out No. 20. We drove 6 hours from OKC to get to our house tonight. We rolled in at dusk, played a while in the two-day old snow, then watched Polar Express by the Christmas tree in the warmth of new blankets and a fake fire. I just put a French toast casserole in the fridge for tomorrow morning and now I have to think of #20. Maybe by the time I write this, the kids will be snugly sleeping and we can tuck Santa's presents under the tree and in the stockings. I am already loving every minute of our first Christmas at our house since we've had kids.

No. 20 - There's more to this world than meets the eye.

I believe there are mysteries in this world that science cannot explain. I believe there are forces in nature that we cannot see or even comprehend with our human minds. Miracles, feng shui, ghosts, communicating with spirits, God, love...science and logic aren't equipped to explain what is unseen. There are lots of things I am skeptical about. I question the unexplainable sometimes. But then I remind myself that anything is possible.

3. No good deed goes unpunished

Doug Nieb, a former Human Resources comrade, a man with a flat affect and a back pocket full of snide but true observations, introduced me to this cynical phrase. As HR folks, we were frequently called on to start employee newsletters, plan holiday parties, manage employee recognition programs, etc. Without fail, whenever we stepped up to do something to better serve our employees, we were peppered with complaints and general insults ("the party is too expensive," "why can't kids come," "I can't read the newsletter in that format" and on and on and on and on.) It happened at almost every company I worked for.

Have you been singled out by whiners and n'er-do-wells when you stepped up to chair that church committee no one else volunteered for? Have the complaints overpowered the positive comments when you tried to organize something new in your neighborhood?

This is what I've learned. Just because the complainers will drown out those who appreciate what you do, stepping forward to do what's right is worth it. If something is worth doing, attack it head on because you know it's right and you know it has value, not because you want to be stroked and bolstered up by applause and appreciation. You have to weather the storm and do it because in your heart you know it is worthwhile.