31. Ditch the silver platter.

And throw out the silver spoon.

(This might be redundant with #30 but that's how strongly I feel about hard work.)

I don't think it's my job as a parent to make everything easy for my kids. I think I would do my children a disservice if I gave them everything their hearts desired or even most of it.

When young people are indulged, they begin to develop a wicked sense of entitlement. Rabi Shmuley from Shalom in Home (love him) is one of many child development experts that says spoiling kids squelches their own sense of motivation. Their God given gift of drive atrophies. And, spoiling kids turns them into people who can never be satisfied. They always want more, what they have is never enough. You know the type.

People who don't have a lot of money to shower on their kids may have a leg up in this department. But what about all of us middle-class and upper-middle class parents who have resources to indulge our tots or at least enough money to make their lives extremely comfortable? Don't we all say we want to give our kids the things we didn't have growing up? (in my case would be a washer and dryer.)

Maybe that's not such a good idea.

Donald Trump could have ended up with some twisted kids with all their family riches. But the pompous Donald did some things right. His adult kids Ivanka and Don Jr. are hardworking, ambitious and charming. (Unlike other rich kids splashed across the front page - Paris.) The Donald made them work as teenagers and pay for their own indulgences. In a recent interview, Ivanka said she was given a $300 monthly allowance in college and whatever else she wanted, she had to earn. And she had to pay for her own million dollar penthouse in dad's Trump Tower - it wasn't just handed over to her.

The Trumps rolled out the red carpet when it came to their kids' travel and education - two elements the family considered fundamental for personal development and success. But in all other areas, the Trump kids were required to work for what they wanted or invest their own money wisely to get ahead.

Would I have had that kind of discipline as a wealthy parent?

My hubby and I will be wrangling over this topic as our kids mature. He and I see things slightly differently when it comes to providing for our kids. He had tons more money growing up than I did. What would have been unimaginable luxuries to me were everday pleasures for him.

We both want our kids to the know the value of a dollar, and we want them to have the drive to provide for themselves. We may not completely agree on how we get there, but I know for sure that making them work for what they want instead of dishing it out on a silver platter will be what I push for.

30. Do what you HAVE to do to do what you WANT to do.

Actor Denzel Washington grew up with this saying and used it as a parent himself. And, Denzel worked it into the dialog for his recent movie "The Great Debaters" (which I haven't seen but I saw him discussing it on TV.)

It hits the nail on the head. You have to put in your time, you have to do the hard work to get what you want in life. I want my kids to grow up embracing this idea.

College was a real test of this philosophy in my life. I worked extremely hard to get great grades. I figured top marks would open doors for me - doors to grad school, to great jobs, to options. Scholastic success was my path to a bright future.

And I knew I needed a path. My mom raised two kids solely on her income, and when I entered college, I knew that one day I might be financially responsible for my future family. I wanted a solid career not only to achieve my personal potential but as a safety net.

So I buckled down. I took a full course load and studied about 3 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week for the 4 years I was at UT. (And partied like a rock star too. More on that later.)

It paid off in spades - the grades not the partying. I got the best grades I could muster (not perfect but impressive) which led to lots of job interviews my senior year and the choice of several terrific jobs. I chose a consulting job that took me on a path of adventure and great income and a great work experience.

So I did what I HAD to do (study) to do what I WANTED to do (get a good job.) But all work and no play makes Margo a boring girl. I partied too. I had an active social life (not as active as my husband's tales of his college years) but there was no shortage of fun in my life.
I hit the books hard then I felt free to let my hair down and swill a few beers with my buds.

Eight years out of college, I was part of a team that selected college seniors to hire for engineering positions. The red flag flew high when a student explained away a bad grade by saying "I don't do well when I get bored." We looked for people who persevered even in the face of boredom. All jobs get boring but that's no excuse to slack off.

As parents we are trying to push the idea of doing what you need to do (chores, homework) to do what you want to do (watch TV, play video games.) It's not always easy but I know for sure it's worth it.

23. I want to be a vaccine for my daughter's self esteem

I heard author/feminist Naomi Wolf postulate that the best vaccine to guard against a daughter's low self esteem is to have a mother with high self esteem. That made total sense to me.

I suffered from an average dose of self doubt and self loathing as a teenager but climbed out of that negative trap somewhere along in my 20's. Thank God. And now as a parent of a daughter, I am very concerned about how to raise Lily so that she won't fixate on her flaws, her figure, and her imperfections (like the media does) but rises above that nonsense. According to Ms.Wolf my high self esteem will help. I am glad to have a leg up because our culture will make this an uphill battle.

My daughter does not hear me complain about my womanly figure. She does not hear me bemoan my age. She does not see me dress provocatively to get attention. Nope! Instead Lily lives with a woman who feels comfortable in her body (flaws and all) and knows that her self worth is deeper than physical attributes. She lives with a woman who is willing to try new things, meet new people, stand up for herself, and accept challenges. Naomi Wolf, I sure hope your right.

19. I must appreciate my kids for who they really are.

I believe that I must know who my children really are and accept their fundamental nature.

For example, my son has always been extremely hesitant in new situations. This part of his personality screamed to the surface at his first Christmas party at 11 months old. It was hard for me accept this about him for a lot of reasons and maybe mostly because it wasn't like me who always loves a crowd. I now know this is part of him. I am trying to teach him more coping skills so that he knows ways to approach a crowd without being overwhelmed. But, I accept that new situations will likely be more awkward for him than they are for someone else's child.

My daughter is very independent. She wanted to walk down the stairs standing up as soon as she started walking. With no help. She wanted to dress herself without interference at the age of two. Independence is her fundamental nature. I accept that about her which is helpful characteristic for a 3 year old but I am sure will be a nightmare when she's 11.

I want to honor who my kids' are. I want them know themselves and love themselves and that starts with their parents leading by example.

11. We are our children's shepherd

Being at home with our first newborn was full of disorienting extremes. I was exhausted. I soared with exhilaration. My body ached. My heart was adjusting to a new kind of love. In the pictures from those first few weeks, hubby looks dazed and confused. I slept a lot, more than the common stereotype of new moms, but that didn't prevent my world from feeling smeared and blurred and unrecognizable.

It's a wonder I recall anything from that time. But I do remember a powerful sensation that came over me about the role hubby and I should play in our child's life. I felt like God gave us to our child to be his guardians, his shepherds through this world. I recognized Wyatt's life as his own, not an extension of mine or my husband's. And, it was our role as parents to provide him a safe environment to become his own person, to discover his own passions and direction, to choose what he wants from this life.

As the parents to our now two children, I feel like we must guide them to green pastures and provide a childhood full of good influences for a solid foundation. We provide safety, love and a moral foundation. But it is Lily's life. It is Wyatt's life. They are people different from us - with their own personalities, own talents, their own instincts - and when they are adults (and hopefully not sooner) they will make their choices how they will walk through this life. We do not get to make those choices for our children.

5. If it's not fattening or immoral...

I resembled a painted cupie doll in high school - silver eye shadow, aqua eyeliner on top and bottom, caked on base and powder, pink lipstick. My earthy Aunt Helen from New Mexico expressed her concern to my mom about my adornment, and shouldn't Mom do something about it. My mom, working full time and raising two head strong girls on her own, responded by saying "If it's not fattening or immoral, I'm letting it go."

This is a great lesson in parenting. Pick your battles. I don't know if I am good at it, but I hope to use this as a guidepost in my own parenting. I believe you can't nit pick everything about your kids. They need breathing room to make choices and learn from their mistakes. It makes sense to focus on the big stuff and let other things work themselves out. (I tossed out my stock of L'Oreal and Cover Girl after a year of college in granola, liberal Austin.)

Figuring out what "battles" to wage and what to let go is a huge challenge and a fundamental characteristic of your personal parenting philosophy. With youngsters, it seems everything is important - manners, sharing, talking with respect, being appreciative, safety. I probably err on the side of letting too many things go instead of the other way around. (I don't mind if my kids say "fart" just not in public and not all day long.)

In these modern times, I might add on to this phrase "If it's not fattening, immoral, or dangerous...."