35. I need my friends like I need oxygen

I can't imagine my life without close friendships. The women in my life - those close by in KC and the ones from all phases of my life that live in the four corners of the country - add richness and sanity to my life. My marriage is great, my kids are life affirming, but they are not the complete equation. I need my friends too.

I've been without friends before - in a way. And, I was sourly miserable. When we moved to KC in 2005, we spent 3 months in temporary housing with no contacts in this city, no routines to introduce me to familiar faces and families. I was busy enough exploring our new hometown and shopping for a residence, but I was dangling and untethered.

It was one of the hardest times in my life with no immediate friends to turn to, to laugh with, to learn from. My soul sisters from Colorado and Texas were there for me over the wire to keep me afloat. Thank God. But I was still lonely. And miraculously, wonderful women started populating my Midwest life.

Ladies are hard wired, I certainly am, to share insights, pain and everyday antics with each other. The men in our life are fab but let's face it they don't really want to rehash, revisit, and talk it out like women do.

I'd can't imagine my life without my friends. I never want to take any of them for granted.

34. You teach people how to treat you.

Another one from Dr. Phil. This is such a simple statement but it says so much.

By the things we allow, request, ignore, and stand up for, we are showing people how we will allow them to treat us. What we tolerate from others sends a clear message.

• If we let people walk all over us, we teach them that we will lay down and take it.
• If we let loved ones ridicule us without standing up for ourselves, we teach people that we will take their verbal punishment.
• If we are too uncomfortable to say what we really feel, we teach people that we won't stand up for ourselves.

I made lots of mistakes in this area growing up. I guess we all do. I let boyfriends disrespect me (lie, cheat, and steal) and I did nothing about it except cry a few tears and complain loudly. But I kept dating them. By my actions, I was showing them they could treat me that way and I'd take it. Sometimes it means you have to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend as a way to send that clear statement.

Marriage is different. You can't just break up. Instead, I think people should be their true self when dating, show their partners how they want to be treated, so that they decide to get married based on a real information not a fairy tale.

33. Dating is really just an experiment.

This is kind of like a dating manifesto. And pathetic one probably, because I was a lousy dater.

I can admit it; my instincts were piss poor. I couldn't tell if a guy really liked me or was leading me on. I couldn't attract the types of guys I wanted in my life. A few bums walked all over me. And, I hung on for dear life even when some fellas acted like scoundrels.

But, I did learn some great lessons along the way. I feel absolutely certain that I learned what I needed to learn. It all helped prepare me so I was ready when my Mr. Wonderful skied into my life.

Here are some things that I believe looking back on it all.

1. Dating is just an experiment. I think one key to success in a serious commitment (like marriage) is finding someone who loves and accepts you for your true and authentic self. One way to learn who you really are is to try things on for size. Looking back on dating in my 20's, I dated lots of kinds of people which helped me hone in one what felt comfortable and right to me. Being with the party guy, the stale toast type, and the criminal was a way to try on different lifestyles.

2. Hanging out in groups makes a lot of sense in high school. I had a comfort level with my friends around, and I could see how the apple of my eye acted in a group situation. Often very telling. One-on-one dating was too overwhelming at times, being immature and confused about my identity. Also too tempting. With hormones raging, lots of craziness could ensue in private situations.

3. I wonder if early, long-term relationships stunt your growth. I never had a serious, long term relationship in high school. But I knew people of did - people who dated for 2, 3 even 5 years as teenagers. Some of those relationships were probably fabulous and some may have turned into great marriages. But I suspect that it's not such a good idea on the whole. I think the tender young heart isn't yet ready for that kind of powerful commitment. Chances are, it won't turn into marriage and the breakup can be too devastating. Kids should be casually dating, learning how the world works, hanging with friends, not tied down.

4. Draw the line. In advance. I've heard many women say this and it helped me a lot. (This is one thing I did right.) Be clear about you are NOT willing to do physically in a relationship. They only way to do that is to decide in advance. In the heat of the moment, it all feels good and a head swimming in passion can't stop without some help. Knowing that clear line helps a lot!

5. Don't be desperate. Men (and boys) smell desperation like stink on skunk. I suspect something in the male DNA responds to the hunt. Do not throw yourself at them or be as accessible as a 24-hour laundromat. Fellas may hook up with the Desparadas for a while, but usually for just some fun and games, not for a real connection.

6. Mix in other hits from the countdown: #32 (be someone you love), #24 (don't give the milk away). Throw in my recent #34 (you teach people how to treat you.)

7. Keep your friends close. It probably isn't a good sign if you start to pull away from your true friends and family when you are with a guy or gal. You cannot lose yourself in a relationship because..well..because you lose yourself. Don't dive in so deep that you don't stay connected to the people who really love you. Let's face it, you are going to break up with lots of boyfriends/girlfriends in your lifetime. Guys and girls come and go. Your friends and family though should be a constant.

8. Don't act married when you're not. I went on family vacations with guys I dated, sent out Christmas cards with our happy-couple-faces plastered on them, did all kinds of things that people do when they have a serious commitment. It may have been as serious as twenty-something's get, but I see how it led to so much pain when we broke up. I acted married because I wanted to be married, but the guys didn't deserve that from me.

9. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I've used this principle in my private life ever since I learned about it in my work life. (I did tons of hiring in my HR career and the best way to evaluate someone's match for the job was to see how they had performed similar tasks successfully in the past.) Here's how it goes:

• If your girlfriend is bad with money, chances are she's going to be bad with money when you marry her.
• If a guy flirts a lot with other women, chances are he is going to keep doing it his entire life.
• If a girl can't keep a serious job, more than likely she is going to keep on that path.

I believe people can change (#21) but only with some big IF's, AND's and BUT's attached to that. For the most part, people show you who they will be by showing you who they are now.

32. Be someone you love.

"To find someone you love,
You've gotta be someone you love."
(Song lyric courtesy of Nada Surf. Song - Concrete Bed. Album - Weight of Water, 2005)

I remember the tortured anguish of budding adolescense. I devoured teen mags, especially Seventeen, searching for advice on friendships and boys. Back then, the advice columns and articles were solid. (I hate to imagine what they spout these days.)

Their advice focused on being comfortable with yourself, loving the things that are unique and special about yourself, not molding yourself to make someone else happy. It was crazy good advice and next to impossible to follow as a teen. But that's where the journey started.

I also remember being a gal in my twenties looking for love. When all else failed (and lots of things failed) I decided that I had to be happy without a guy. I had to live a life I loved and be happy with myself. And I found that when I was joyful and at peace inside, I attracted good things into my life.

How can you expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself first?

Along with this life lesson is the idea that you gotta know what you love.

Kristin Armstrong, former wife of biking legend and athlete extrordinaire Lance Armstrong, did some great interviews after her high profile divorce. Kristin explained that she allowed herself to get lost in her spouse's life and she forgot who she was. His life was so large and she thought a good wife should to bend to his every need. That didn't work. She ended up not being the woman he fell in love with and she was lost.

When the marriage was ending, she realized that his life was so consuming that she forgot the things that she loved purely on her own, her true nature, the things that were uniquely her. She had to reclaim those to find her way back to herself.

I think her experience is a great lesson for women in relationships - marriages, dating, whatever. We need to find a way to stay true to our own identies while adapting to the needs of our loved ones.

26. Marital infidelity - never say never

I married a man that grilled me when we were dating about my perspective on infidelity. Despite a generally mellow demeanor, he got heated just talking about it. And, he made his expectations clear like ice water - he would not tolerate any lapse. Cheating was not in his vocabulary, and he would only commit to someone who felt the same way.

I felt the same way!

And, I loved that he was so clear about it. I think every guy I'd ever been serious with cheated on me. So hubby's high moral ground felt refreshing. It spoke loud volumes about his character.

But, never say never. When it comes to marriage, I think we have to keep a constant vigil to ensure our partner's needs AND our own needs are being met. Not constant like hourly but constant like in the grand scheme of things.

Everyone wants to be heard, needed, understood, respected. We have to stay connected with our spouses through time together, conversation, physical intimacy and whatever activities nourish our bonds. There are times when other priorities mean we have less time to dedicate to our marital relationship (pregnancy, new babies, moving, medical issues, etc.), and a good marriage should be able to weather those times.

But I think we fool ourselves if we cling solely to the idea that our spouse will never cheat or even that we would never cheat. People become vulnerable when we feel lonely, unfulfilled, underappreciated, or misunderstood for prolonged periods of time.

Don't cheaters usually end up saying stuff like, "She made me feel special." Well, as a spouse, I want to be the one that makes him feel special, and I want the same from him.

24. Don't give away the milk for free

When I was young and looking for love, I considered it off limits to live with a guy before I got married. Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free? You've heard of that one right? That phrase was probably initiated for premarital sex but I applied it to shacking up.

I don't think it makes sense to live together to test out whether you are good match. Here's why.

I think marriage can be difficult. Oftentime very difficult. A lot of adapting, compromising, and negotiating goes on as a couple comes together. The commitment of marriage is needed to help two people get through the rough patches along the way. And for most people, there seem to be big surprises, disappointments and rough spots early on because of the magnitude of change going from single to double. With the marriage commitment, your frame of mind is "How do we work through this?" Without the marriage commitment, your frame of mind may be "Can I live with this forever?"

I know why people shack up first. I get that it is really hard to know if someone is right for you and to know for sure if you will still love that person once you see his dirty underwear on the floor by the toilet every day. But for me, it worked to keep that milk nice and cold in the icebox until loverboy was ready to fork over his milk money.

18. Give yourself 12 months to evaluate a potential partner's character

I think it's a good idea to spend a full year with your boyfriend or girlfriend before deciding on marriage. A full year gives you time to see more clearly through the lusty fog of your initial chemistry. Twelve months allows you to see your sweetheart in a wide variety of conditions too: you being sick and vice versa, during high stress family holidays, possibly during a vacation. Lots of folks can be adoring, polite and attentive during the first few months of dating...but only time will tell how your pumpkin acts when the high heat of infatuation starts to simmer into something more long lasting.

I think it makes sense to explore the real depths of someone's character and virtues which takes time. What's the rush anyway? Isn't such a momentous decision worth making armed with lots of good insight and a clear conscience?

14 - 16. Sex is better on an empty stomach.

(I am posting 3 lessons today because my Christmas plans just changed. In a few hours I am starting a 2-day drive with my kids to go see my mom who isn't feeling very well. Hubby will join us on Friday.)

14. Sex is better on an empty stomach.
15. Sex is an adult activity.
16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever.

14. Sex is better on an empty stomach - This one speaks for itself I think. Do I need to elaborate? One of my weight management strategies is to not eat 2 hours before bed. When I started doing this I noticed the darnedest thing - sex is so much better if I don't have a big meal or snack sloshing around in my gut. You'd think I would have figured this out 20 years ago (and maybe I did) but it seems to be a realization that didn't sink in until my late 30's.

15. Sex is an adult activity - I remember my mom saying this when I was a teenager. It made tons of sense to my young mind. I don't think I'll preach to my kids to "save themselves" for marriage because I think it's unrealistic with people getting married much later in life (often in their 30's). But I will talk about #15 and #16.

Sex is a natural, healthy, fabulous part of life. But it is for adults because the consequences are so great. Youngsters aren't emotionally equipped to make wise decisions about this kind of physical intimacy.

When you are intimate with someone, you are putting your life in his/her hands; with AIDS and other STD's the consequences of bad decisions are life changing and maybe life ending. Of course, an unplanned pregnancy will change the trajectory of your life. And there are lots of guys with terrible jealous streaks, who don't know how to handle their anger, and have grown up in homes with domestic abuse. If you end up in a sexual relationship with one of them, you may not realize what kind of physical violence you are inviting into your world. We've all seen the news stories. When a young woman is murdered or missing, the perpetrator is usually the man in their life. You have to make wise decisions about sex because your life is at stake.

16. The people you are intimate with (physically and/or emotionally) stay with you forever. I believe that everyone you share your life with stays with you forever in ways you cannot control or predict. The footprint some people leave is obvious. For example, I still have strange dreams about a guy I dated for 2 years in college. He is still with me - not in a way disturbing or distracting way, but he is there and uninvited. Have you ever been intimate with someone you love but you can't push thoughts of someone else out of your mind? That hasn't happened to me in a long time but it has happened and I didn't like it.

8. Stop complaining and start asking for what you want.

Dr. Phil says this to his guests. I haven't watched his show in years but a few of his quips have stayed with me, like this one - stop complaining and start asking for what you want.

This advice has come in especially helpful when dealing with the opposite sex, namely my husband. What man wants to hear a lot of whining, complaining and emotional carrying-on? It gets old. My husband loses interest real fast if I spend too much time agitating about the problem without getting to a solution. For example, instead of whining about how I feel unappreciated for all the energy it takes to put a healthy meal on the table every night, I turn it around and ask specifically for what I want - help setting the table, help clearing the table, and someone to carry in all the groceries when I shop. That feels better to me. I lay it on the line for what would help me instead of engaging in a lengthy bitch fest about how I occasionally feel put upon.

The challenge with this concept is getting out of the habit of complaining. It's hard switching your techniques from emotional wrangling to straight up communication. For some people, it is really hard to be in tune with their needs enough to state them clearly.

Now, if the person you are dealing with flat out ignores or rejects your straightforward requests, well that's a whole different issue related to compromise and adaptation.

6. I don't believe in love at first sight

Let me explain! Give me a minute! I know you'll object because you knew Bubba was "the one" when you exchanged casual glances picking over the green beans at the grocery store.

If you tell me you had love at first sight, I won't doubt you and I will cherish your special story.

But for me and my kids....

I won't teach my children (or quietly imply) that they should expect or long for love at first sight. (I'll double check this with hubbie when he gets home tonight but I'm pretty sure he agrees.)

Love at first sight is a romantic notion, but it takes a mature, patient person to distinguish powerful physical attraction from some other kind of more soulful, unexplainable, cosmic connection. If my kids hold out hope for love at first sight, they may miss out on something special because they are pining for a fantasy.

Let me also say that I believe there is usually some kind of attraction that ignites a relationship. Who knows what lights the fire - it could be phermones, shared values, a great tush. But this is a spark, not love.

Even if there is such a thing as love at first sight, I don't think love is enough. A loving, successful partnership takes more than love. You both need good relationship skills (patience, compromise, support) to transform love into partnership.

Footnote 12/27: I asked my husband and he agrees.