39. Everyone has a story.

(aka - Don't judge a book by it's cover.)

"Everyone has a story." I didn't invent this phrase. Did Oprah? I've heard her say it a thousand times. This may be ridiculously redundant with #38 (about not judging others) but I think it's so fundamental to my view of life that it bears repeating.

I try to walk through this life without making assumptions and judgments about people based on first impressions and outward appearances. I try to remind myself that the real heart of a person is rarely evident at first glance. I can't know anything about someone from casual interaction... a life is too large and intricate and complex.

I've been practicing this principle for as long as I can remember and it's still hard. I still find myself making quick assumptions about people. But as I age, I am getting better about realizing my quick assumptions and quickly pulling way back - to remind myself that I know nothing about someone until I get to know them.

Tonight I ran to the grocery store to pick up milk and bread (what household with kids can go even one day without bread and milk?) I walked up to the express line behind two other customers. I smelled something acrid and realized it was the body odor of the man in front of me. He smelled like he was wearing urine soaked clothes. I observed the back of him and noticed his tattered clothes, drooping shoulders and greasy hair.

Instead of being repulsed, I felt compassion. I told myself that he has a story and I know nothing about him other than he seems to be in a bad spot at this moment. But even that is an assumption. I wondered if he has people in his life that love him. I wondered if he ever served our country in the armed forces. I thought of the people I love with mental health illness and how people may condemn them when they aren't feeling tip top.

I have an acquaintance named The Scary Guy. He is one of the few guys you will ever see who is tattooed and pierced all over his body including most of his face. He makes a BIG impression when we are out together. He is the kind of guy everyone makes assumptions about - he's a wrestler, a biker, a druggie, a weirdo. He's none of those things. Scary is gentle, thoughtful, smart and he is a motivational speaker trying to stamp out prejudice and hate. He drives a minivan.

My husband is really good about not making snap judgments about people - a quality that drew me to him. I hope we can pass this on to our kiddos.

38. It's not my place to judge

My creativity is waning. The words are not flowing. But the end is sight! Will my kids ever read any of these? I have them in mind as I type away but what are the chances any of these words will be around when they are old enough to care?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
-Rumi

I believe it is not my place to judge others. Who among us is pure and without fault? Who among us has a perfected character and saint-like virtues? Not me. We are all sinners (as the Christians like to say). I think none of us has earned a position to pass judgment on others.

My job is to deepen my own soulful qualities. If I throw stones at others for their imperfections, I become distracted from my own journey. It is sometimes easier to criticize others for their mistakes and imperfections than to examine ourselves for our weaknesses and foibles.

I may not like what someone has done, I may choose to distance myself from someone that I disagree with. It's okay to draw boundaries and protect myself. But it is not my job to condemn and pass judgment.

37. Recognize what you cannot control

Do you know the Serenity Prayer?

God, give me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

How often do we fret about things we have no control over, over things we cannot change? Too much of our energy and spirit are wasted away on the things we have no influence over instead of the things we can actually influence.

My mom's health has seriously diminished in the last few years. Every aspect of her life has been affected including the kind of grandparent she can be. Sometimes I feel so terribly sad because it feels like a real loss, something I mourn, which is okay I guess because those emotions are part of life. But I can't spend too much time wishing for something different because I know I cannot change things. Instead I focus on what I can influence, which is my relationship with her. I can change my reaction, the way I help her, and my mindset...and that's it. I can't heal her.

Another example is today. My child was bullied (attacked) on the bus by some older kids. One kid held his arms while the other one punched him. He came off the bus in tears. I cannot change the fact that kids sometimes pick on the little ones - no use wishing that wasn't the case. But I can demand action from the bus company and the school to make sure it is investigated and dealt with and not shrugged off. I can learn about the procedures and rules on the bus set up to prevent this kind of harassment. I can reinforce to my child that he has the right to kick and scream and yell if someone is hurting him. And I can decide if I want to remove him from the bus completely but I don't feel the school has addressed the situation appropriately. But I cannot change the nature of children.

Hopefully in this situation, like so many others I face on a daily basis, I will be more effective because I will focus my energy on the things I can change or influence, and I will avoid spinning my wheels on what I cannot.

God, please give me wisdom.

36. It's not about you!

It's back to a book that shook me up in a good way - The Four Agreements. (See my #13.) The second agreement is "don't take anything personally."

The power of this idea struck me as I read the chapter, but it floored me once I started putting it into practice. It's an uplifting and liberating mindset - impossible to master, but worth practicing for a lifetime.

It's not about you!

All the things people say and do to you have nothing to do with you. It's their stuff. It's about them - their frame of mind, their backgrounds, moods, neurosis, shortcoming, strengths. It's not about you. So when a friend, relative or loved one says something that hurts you, you have to understand that it was his or her choice to say it based on how that person sees the world, not based on what you've done. That person is projecting his or her reality onto you.

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't examine our own actions to help improve our situations. But realizing that people are projecting their realities onto us, we become better protected from needless anxiety and suffering about what people think about us.

22. Anger is a manifestation of fear, disappointment or frustration.

This point kept coming up several seasons ago on the Oprah show.

"Anger is a manfestation of fear, disappointment or frustration."

I think about this when I get angry. The kind of angry where I want to scream, hit and throw things. (Yes, I do get that pissed!) I ask myself - Is this anger about frustration? or fear? or disappointment?

It helps me think more clearly about what I am honestly reacting to. I can usually pretty quickly come up with which of the three is at the heart of the issue. It doesn't solve anything but it helps me deal with reality instead of steam and fumes.

I believe that we will all have fear in our lives, and disappointments too, and lots of frustrations. These are part of the human experience; we can't avoid them (completely). And it helps me get past anger when I can see more clearly the emotion at the heart of the issue.

21. People can change.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

We hear all the time that people can't change. I disagree. I think people can change.

BUT! BUT!

And these are two big buts.

#1. I don't think we can change anyone but ourselves. I don't think we can change our husbands, our mothers, our boyfriends, or our in-laws. The only person we have any control over is ourselves. We can advise, pray, scold, and demand until we are blue in the face. In the end, it is the other person's choice if he/she wants to do anything differently. It's not up to us.

#2. Don't hold out hope that someone is going to change their stripes. I don't think it makes sense to enter into something with someone on the condition that he/she will be different. Yes, people can change but it doesn't happen very often. So if you are entering into a relationship or marriage hoping that your partner will cast off bad habits and adopt new virtues.. well... you are setting yourself up for some big disappointments.

And I suspect that people very rarely alter who they are at their core. Grand shifts are probably inspired by suffering, illness, loss, enlightment, or some kind of catastrophe. People hopefully evolve by small degrees as they mature but huge shifts are probably rare.

1. You're in trouble when you start believing your own b.s.

I thought this might be a nice way to start a list of 40 things I know for sure. I worked alongside an inspiring CEO, Don Kasica, when I lived in Denver. He would say to the other executives at his consulting firm that once you start believing your own hype, you stop listening to others and you stop learning.

I was so impressed that the head of a consulting firm had this perspective.

What I love about this idea is that no matter how sure I feel about something, I want to remain open to learning new things. To learn and grow as a person, I want to walk in this world with an open heart and spirit, I want to listen to others and consider new ideas and perspectives. Once you believe you know it all, you get stuck.